- allow yourslf to fall into the trap of thinking that sex is unimportant in your marriage. The Marriage Bed had a great tweet the other day that "Sex is marriage superglue" and I believe that to be true. We counsel too many couples who have battled to get their sex life back on track after the child bearing years, and have eventually given up and settled for being just 'good friends' and co-parents. That is not God's plan for your marriage. Keep fighting to get your love life back to its previous glory. If you stick with it, it will eventually get better and then great again. In a previous Blog post, C and I wrote how it took her two years after the birth of our second child for her body to get back to its previous degree of sexual response, so give yourself time.
- promise unless you plan to deliver. And by promise, I mean any small hint of possibility that we may get lucky later. Us guys are super optimists when it comes to sex, and a 'maybe' for you is a definite 'YES' to our ears! And once we think it is going to happen, our hormones go into sperm producing overdrive in expectation, leaving us supremely grumpy if something, like life, intervenes and you are too tired by bed-time. Unfair, we know, but like you with PMS it is very difficult for us to control our hormone driven response. If possible, be understanding and spend a couple of minutes giving us a hand-job at least, to relieve the physical tension, and to allow us to return to the calm, reasoned husbands that you adore!
- FAKE IT, EVER! JUST DON'T. It is patronizing and disrespectful and will make your husband feel stupid when he finds out that you have been conning him all along. We all want to be great lovers, and to give you the greatest physical pleasure possible, so instead of resorting to living a lie that has the potential to do real damage to your marital relationship, rather be honest and take the time to educate your lover as to what really works for you and what he needs to do differently. And if you don't know, then take the time to find out on your own what works best for you, so that you can guide him. He may have an initial defensive reaction driven by our fragile male egos, but in time he will appreciate your honesty, to the benefit of your physical and overall relationship in the long term. A couple of tips, try to focus on the positive by affirming your lover for what he does right ("Yes, like that" ; "Mmmmm, I like it when you...." ; "Don't stop") or else stick to non-judgemental and non-emotive language ("slowly" ; "gently" ; "take your time" ; "not yet" ; "a bit higher" ; "now, harder, faster, yes...") instead of the ego damaging "I hate it when you..." ; "why do you always...." ; "you are so clueless" or, horror of horrors, "Ben never had trouble making me come."
- just lie there. There is nothing worse than making love to an inanimate object that is not an active participant; in fact, that is not making love, it is just sex. That is why I have never understood the blow-up doll thing. Please don't be a blow-up doll for your husband! Very occasionally, when C is tired and I am horny, she will jokingly say "okay, you get on top and go for it, just don't wake me", and it is an instant cure for my horniness, a real passion-killer. I cannot contemplate making love without the give and take, action and reaction interplay of two fully engaged bodies, minds and souls conjoined in the most intimate and vulnerable of acts.
- assume that men do not like, or do not need, foreplay. Especially as we get older, we need more time to get warned up too. That means that you cannot just be the primary recipient of foreplay, as you maybe were in the early years of your relationship. Make sure that you touch and stroke too. Learn where your lover's sensitive spots are and how he likes to be stimulated. Aside from the obvious, try kissing his neck and earlobes, playing with his nipples, or stroking behind his knees, his inner thighs, his perineum (the area between his testicles and anus) or his anus itself.
- worry about how you taste! C has never really understood this, I don't think, despite my best efforts over the past 18 years to convince her, and still doesn't like to kiss me after I've been down on her, but I truly do love her salty-sweet taste.
- don't jump up and shower straight after sex. It gives us the impression that you think sex is dirty and wrong. It is supposed to be sweaty and messy, so embrace that fact and rather take the time to snuggle afterwards and to enjoy the afterglow. It may even lead to a repeat performance...
- get into a sexual rut. Your sex life needs variety to stay passionate. Try a new location, new position, new perfume, new lighting, new music, or new lube. Buy a new toy and experiment with it with your partner. Play out a fantasy, like strangers meeting in a bar, or dress up just for fun. Chances are one or more attempts will feel silly and lead to fits of giggles, but that is okay too! Laughter creates shared memories that also lead to greater intimacy.
- be embarrassed to talk about your sex life with your spouse. While it may be hard to begin with, you will get more comfortable the more you do it. Ever heard guys around the barbecue after a big game? They like to dissect the game play by play. Same with sex. It's how we learn, so teach us.
- hold back. We know you like to be in control, and that control is important to you, but leave that at the bedroom door. Great sex is about giving in and making yourself totally vulnerable to your partner and to the intensity off the sensations that you are experiencing. So if you need to scream when you come, then take steps to soundproof your room so that you do not need to worry about holding back in case you wake the kids. If you are one of the 20% or so of women who can ejaculate when you have an intense orgasm, then invest in a waterproof under sheet and put down a towel to lie on so that you don't need to worry about wetting the bed if you really let yourself go. And if you are worried about an unexpected pregnancy, then beef up your birth control. Use two methods if necessary to give yourself the piece of mind to be able to focus without distraction on experiencing the most intense pleasure possible. And if you find it difficult to enjoy sex and orgasm as a result of baggage from your upbringing (sex is dirty, sex is wrong, sex is a duty to be endured) or from past abuse or previous relationships, then please, please, please seek help from a Christian counsellor so that you can be freed to experience true physical intimacy with your spouse, in the fullness that God intended for your marriage.
Guys, what can you add to this list? We would love to hear from you.
Tomorrow, 10 Do's for the Husbands, with some help from C and her partner at Sensuous Wives.
Ladies, if you want to add to the lists for the next two days, then send me your suggestions by mail at "firstname.lastname@example.org" and I will incorporate them. This is your chance to anonymously educate your Hubby with your desired Do's and Dont's for him that you are not confident enough to share with him face to face.