Monday, October 29, 2012

Reader's question - how to encourage a wife to be more adventurous

One of the questions that we often get from husbands is how do they encourage their wives to be more adventurous in the bedroom, without upsetting them or causing them to become defensive, leading to a fight and a counter-productive result? We often have husbands lamenting how conservative their wives are and how they really wish that they would push the boat out a bit and try something new.

C and I understand this, as we have been there ourselves. C was a very sporty and Tom-boyish teen, who when we met much preferred white cotton sports bras and bikini bottoms to lacy lingerie. We were young and inexperienced when we first became intimate, and while we had a very passionate and fulfilling physical relationship, because sex was 'easy' for us, we never really had to put much effort into foreplay, trying couples toys, lubes, new positions or elaborate planned seductions.

As we have got older, and after 18 years together, I am blessed that C has definitely become more adventurous, allowing us to keep our sex life exciting and new, so in answering the question above, we have tried to think how we got there ourselves. Our tips would include:

C's advice for wives:

- read a book on God's plan for intimacy in marriage, to help you understand God's design for you as a sensuous wife and his desire for you to enjoy sex with your husband without inhibitions or guilt about certain acts that you may have been socialized to growing up. We recommend 'Intimate Issues' and 'Sheet Music', both available through Amazon or on the Sensuous website.
- understand the importance of variety and adventurous sex for your husband's sexual fulfillment.
- understand that this is a process and will take time. You can't become a vamp overnight. Allow yourself to take baby steps.
- give yourself time to get used to new things. If you try something and it doesn't work, or you feel uncomfortable, then don't write it off immediately and withdraw back into your shell. Stick with it for a while, or put it away for a couple of months while you try other things and then give it another go. C was never huge on receiving oral sex, preferring penetration, while I LOVE going down on her. In the last year or two she has been generous in allowing me to pleasure her this way more often, and she is just now starting to properly enjoy it. She is very sensitive, which is great for intercourse, but leaves her very ticklish to direct clitoral stimulation. Through trial and error we have found that if we wait until she is properly aroused, she is less ticklish and much more able to enjoy oral sex, but this took a lot of patience and perseverance on her part to find this out.

C's advice for husbands:

- women need to feel secure, safe, cherished and affirmed in their relationship with their lover. This gives them the confidence and the freedom to take a chance on expressing themselves more in the bedroom.
- so rather than criticizing, focus more on affirming your lover; the more you tell her what a wonderful lover she is, and how beautiful she is to you, the more she will be encouraged to express her sensuality.

My advice for husbands:

- take it slow, really, really slow. Float an idea, and then leave it to germinate in her mind for a couple of weeks before you bring it up again. If you are lucky, she will mull it over and get her head around the idea, and might even surprise you by bringing it up next herself, which is really the first prize.
- don't spring something on her in the middle of making love. Suggesting something new is best raised outside the bedroom, maybe over dinner or when snuggling on the sofa in front of the television.
- communication really is the key. If you don't regularly talk about your sex life in a non-emotive setting, outsider the bedroom, then make an effort to do so. It is much less threatening to a women to discuss sex in a safe and non-threatening environment than in the bedroom when emotions are more vulnerable.
- Be affirming, and be positive, never critical. I cannot stress this enough. You must keep the discussion positive and affirming and encouraging. "Remember that time when we.... We haven't done that in ages. Wouldn't it be fun if we could try that again sometime." Or "I was reading an article the other day that suggested that using a lubricant really increases sensitivity. Would you be open to trying some?" Or "You are looking so beautiful from all your gymming/running/skiing. I would so love to see your gorgeous body in some wispy lingerie."
- take baby steps. If you have been in a routine of missionary position with the lights off, then don't suddenly spring it on your poor wife that you are desperately keen to video yourselves having anal sex!  Start with something safe that is a small change that is not too intimidating, and give her time to get used to that idea, and then work from there. The more adventurous she gets, the more confidence she will develop in her sexuality, and the more willing she will become to continue to experiment further.
- if your wife is self-conscious that her figure is not what she wishes it was, and prefers making love in the dark, then start with some candles, then maybe a low wattage colored bulb, or a dimmer switch turned down low, and work up slowly from there. Again, be affirming about how gorgeous her body looks in the candlelight, and how much you love to be able to watch her expression as she orgasms.
- for lingerie, again, start with small changes and work from there. Aim for classy and 'grown-up' rather than red and slutty - your wife wants to feel like Sophia Loren, not a porn starlette. And my tip is to aim for as expensive as you can afford when it comes to lingerie - C has taught me that cheap lace can be scratchy and uncomfortable while the more expensive fabrics can be worn all day. Jolidon does a brilliant 50's retro line that makes C feel gorgeously grown up and womanly, while still being super-sexy for me, while Hanky Panky thongs have a fantastically comfy lace.
- if you want to introduce toys into the bedroom, then again start small and non-threatening. Maybe suggest a scented massage oil or a lube to begin with. This might not sound like much for you, but it may be a leap for your conservative wife, and is a good bridge to other props in the future.
- for actual toys, once you feel the time is right to broach these, don't come home first up with a 9 inch phallic shaped dildo that glows in the dark! Most women prefer toys for clitoral stimulation rather than penetration, at least to start with, and these days there are great vibrators from the likes of Lelo and others that are small, feminine and non-threatening, in soft pastel shades and shaped more like a computer mouse than an intimidating penis, which are an ideal introduction to the world of couples toys. Or a small vibrating cock ring is an ideal joint toy to start experimenting with together. Ideally, visit a safe and welcoming couple friendly store together and allow your lover to pick something out for herself or shop together online on a Christian friendly online site like Sensuous that does not stock porn.
- finally, and very importantly, avoid giving your wife the impression that you want to turn her into a character that you have seen in a porn movie, or that you want her to act like the actresses in porn. Porn is destructive in so many ways to your intimate relationship with your spouse, and if you use porn it may well be having a profoundly negative effect on your wife's willingness to try new things. The last thing that will make her confident and affirmed and adventurous is the idea that you are trying to recreate a fantasy that you have seen on porn or are fantasizing about a porn actress while you are making love to her.