Friday, November 23, 2012

Male arrogance - it isn't all, or even mostly, about you!

I saw an article from Men's Fitness on Flipboard last night titled "Ten positions guaranteed to give her an orgasm every time" or something along those lines, and just have to blog a response to that. It seems to me typical male arrogance that it is up to a husband to "give" his wife an orgasm and creates some dangerous and potentially harmful stereotypes:

- it is all up to you as the man to "make" your wife orgasm. Well guess what, guys, it is ultimately not all about you. In fact, it is probably mainly not about you. Women's sexuality is a complex beast, involving multiple factors like emotions, hormones, body image, ingrained beliefs about sexuality from her childhood, fatigue, stress and a whole lot of other stuff. So leave your ego at the bedroom door. Be loving, be attentive, make foreplay an all day affair, and learn enough about technique and what your wife enjoys to give her every opportunity to orgasm, and then leave the rest up to her. If she is in the right mood and it happens for her, then great. If not, then try again tomorrow night. It does not make her, or you, a failure if she does not come every time. Few women do.

- it is all about technique. Not. See above! Making love is principally about intimacy, shared vulnerability and emotional connection, about becoming one, and without that the greatest technique in the world is not going to get your wife to orgasm. I do think you need to be averagely competent, so take the time to learn where your wife's clit is, how she likes it stimulated, whether she has a sensitive G spot and thus whether she is an 'internal' or 'external' orgasm type of woman, how much foreplay she needs, and how to make yourself last long enough during intercourse for her to be satisfied (assuming that she is physically able to orgasm from intercourse, which not all women are), but beyond that simple level of average competency, you risk it becoming more about your ego than her pleasure.

- it is all about position. Again, this focuses on the mechanical and not on the emotional. Some positions will work better than others for your wife, but there are no ten positions guaranteed to make her orgasm. And for women, it is often not all about the intensity of the orgasm anyway. C has a particularly sensitive G spot, so rear entry positions that hit the front wall of her vagina are physically very intense for her, but are ultimately not her favorite as they lack for her the physical and emotional intimacy of being face to face with me, and us being able to kiss, and look into each other's eyes and to hold each other.

- there is something 'wrong' with her if she can't orgasm. This is for me the most dangerous and destructive aspect of the mentioned article and headline. The suggestion that if you take their advice and use their suggested positions, and your wife does not orgasm, for any of the myriad of reasons referred to above, that she is broken or deficient in some way. There is SO much pressure on women sexually these days, to look like models and make love like porn stars, and have multiple, squirting orgasms at the drop of a hat, that it is a wonder than any women have any self-confidence left when it comes to the bedroom. Most, if not all, women are inherently insecure, and the thing they need most is affirmation, affirmation and more affirmation, not more positions or techniques to 'make' them come!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Reader's question - how to encourage a wife to be more adventurous

One of the questions that we often get from husbands is how do they encourage their wives to be more adventurous in the bedroom, without upsetting them or causing them to become defensive, leading to a fight and a counter-productive result? We often have husbands lamenting how conservative their wives are and how they really wish that they would push the boat out a bit and try something new.

C and I understand this, as we have been there ourselves. C was a very sporty and Tom-boyish teen, who when we met much preferred white cotton sports bras and bikini bottoms to lacy lingerie. We were young and inexperienced when we first became intimate, and while we had a very passionate and fulfilling physical relationship, because sex was 'easy' for us, we never really had to put much effort into foreplay, trying couples toys, lubes, new positions or elaborate planned seductions.

As we have got older, and after 18 years together, I am blessed that C has definitely become more adventurous, allowing us to keep our sex life exciting and new, so in answering the question above, we have tried to think how we got there ourselves. Our tips would include:

C's advice for wives:

- read a book on God's plan for intimacy in marriage, to help you understand God's design for you as a sensuous wife and his desire for you to enjoy sex with your husband without inhibitions or guilt about certain acts that you may have been socialized to growing up. We recommend 'Intimate Issues' and 'Sheet Music', both available through Amazon or on the Sensuous website.
- understand the importance of variety and adventurous sex for your husband's sexual fulfillment.
- understand that this is a process and will take time. You can't become a vamp overnight. Allow yourself to take baby steps.
- give yourself time to get used to new things. If you try something and it doesn't work, or you feel uncomfortable, then don't write it off immediately and withdraw back into your shell. Stick with it for a while, or put it away for a couple of months while you try other things and then give it another go. C was never huge on receiving oral sex, preferring penetration, while I LOVE going down on her. In the last year or two she has been generous in allowing me to pleasure her this way more often, and she is just now starting to properly enjoy it. She is very sensitive, which is great for intercourse, but leaves her very ticklish to direct clitoral stimulation. Through trial and error we have found that if we wait until she is properly aroused, she is less ticklish and much more able to enjoy oral sex, but this took a lot of patience and perseverance on her part to find this out.

C's advice for husbands:

- women need to feel secure, safe, cherished and affirmed in their relationship with their lover. This gives them the confidence and the freedom to take a chance on expressing themselves more in the bedroom.
- so rather than criticizing, focus more on affirming your lover; the more you tell her what a wonderful lover she is, and how beautiful she is to you, the more she will be encouraged to express her sensuality.

My advice for husbands:

- take it slow, really, really slow. Float an idea, and then leave it to germinate in her mind for a couple of weeks before you bring it up again. If you are lucky, she will mull it over and get her head around the idea, and might even surprise you by bringing it up next herself, which is really the first prize.
- don't spring something on her in the middle of making love. Suggesting something new is best raised outside the bedroom, maybe over dinner or when snuggling on the sofa in front of the television.
- communication really is the key. If you don't regularly talk about your sex life in a non-emotive setting, outsider the bedroom, then make an effort to do so. It is much less threatening to a women to discuss sex in a safe and non-threatening environment than in the bedroom when emotions are more vulnerable.
- Be affirming, and be positive, never critical. I cannot stress this enough. You must keep the discussion positive and affirming and encouraging. "Remember that time when we.... We haven't done that in ages. Wouldn't it be fun if we could try that again sometime." Or "I was reading an article the other day that suggested that using a lubricant really increases sensitivity. Would you be open to trying some?" Or "You are looking so beautiful from all your gymming/running/skiing. I would so love to see your gorgeous body in some wispy lingerie."
- take baby steps. If you have been in a routine of missionary position with the lights off, then don't suddenly spring it on your poor wife that you are desperately keen to video yourselves having anal sex!  Start with something safe that is a small change that is not too intimidating, and give her time to get used to that idea, and then work from there. The more adventurous she gets, the more confidence she will develop in her sexuality, and the more willing she will become to continue to experiment further.
- if your wife is self-conscious that her figure is not what she wishes it was, and prefers making love in the dark, then start with some candles, then maybe a low wattage colored bulb, or a dimmer switch turned down low, and work up slowly from there. Again, be affirming about how gorgeous her body looks in the candlelight, and how much you love to be able to watch her expression as she orgasms.
- for lingerie, again, start with small changes and work from there. Aim for classy and 'grown-up' rather than red and slutty - your wife wants to feel like Sophia Loren, not a porn starlette. And my tip is to aim for as expensive as you can afford when it comes to lingerie - C has taught me that cheap lace can be scratchy and uncomfortable while the more expensive fabrics can be worn all day. Jolidon does a brilliant 50's retro line that makes C feel gorgeously grown up and womanly, while still being super-sexy for me, while Hanky Panky thongs have a fantastically comfy lace.
- if you want to introduce toys into the bedroom, then again start small and non-threatening. Maybe suggest a scented massage oil or a lube to begin with. This might not sound like much for you, but it may be a leap for your conservative wife, and is a good bridge to other props in the future.
- for actual toys, once you feel the time is right to broach these, don't come home first up with a 9 inch phallic shaped dildo that glows in the dark! Most women prefer toys for clitoral stimulation rather than penetration, at least to start with, and these days there are great vibrators from the likes of Lelo and others that are small, feminine and non-threatening, in soft pastel shades and shaped more like a computer mouse than an intimidating penis, which are an ideal introduction to the world of couples toys. Or a small vibrating cock ring is an ideal joint toy to start experimenting with together. Ideally, visit a safe and welcoming couple friendly store together and allow your lover to pick something out for herself or shop together online on a Christian friendly online site like Sensuous that does not stock porn.
- finally, and very importantly, avoid giving your wife the impression that you want to turn her into a character that you have seen in a porn movie, or that you want her to act like the actresses in porn. Porn is destructive in so many ways to your intimate relationship with your spouse, and if you use porn it may well be having a profoundly negative effect on your wife's willingness to try new things. The last thing that will make her confident and affirmed and adventurous is the idea that you are trying to recreate a fantasy that you have seen on porn or are fantasizing about a porn actress while you are making love to her.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Wives - A husband's take on frequency

At dinner with the girls from Sensuous on Friday night, the issue came up of the ideal frequency of lovemaking from a guy's perspective and how a wife can let her husband down gently without hurting his feelings when she is tired or not in the mood. This is a question that C and her partner L often get asked when presenting their intimacy in marriage seminars for women.

So, here is my take on this as a husband (my advice below obviously does not apply to couples dealing with specific circumstances like bereavement, disability or long-term chronic illness).

When C and I are having regular sex, then it will not hurt my feelings when she turns me down on the  odd occasion. If I am not particularly frustrated from going too long without, and she has been initiating lovemaking from time to time, so that I am affirmed and secure in the knowledge that she does desire me and does desire making love with me, then I can handle a couple of nights off here and there.

The follow-on question is what then is my definition of regular sex? For me, as a relatively fit and healthy 40 something male, the ideal is still near-daily sex, probably two nights out of three. I can skip a night quite comfortably, and two if necessary, but three nights without and I start to feel physically frustrated. By day four I would definitely be grumpy.

In that case, it would be much harder for C to turn me down again without hurting my feelings, and my best advice to wives in that case would be to rather make the effort to take care of your husband in some other way, orally or manually, if it has been a couple of days and you are again too tired to make love. A quick hand-job takes minimal effort and no more than 2 minutes with a bit of lube, which should be manageable for you even after a long day! Alternatively, spend a couple of minutes snuggling and kissing your husband while he takes care of himself, which can be just as intimate and still gives the desired result, with minimal effort required on your part.

As a husband, my wife saying that she has given so much of her best energy to others throughout the day, that she does not have even two minutes left for me at bedtime, can otherwise be hurtful.

And while an oral or manual quickie can fill a gap occassionally when other factors mean you are not in the mood for intercourse, that doesn't apply for an extended period. The emotional and physical oneness of lovemaking and intercourse with our beloved is what we really desire, and if your hectic schedule means that you are regularly too exhausted to make love, then maybe you need to prayerfully reconsider your priorities and see whether you can make some changes to your schedule to give more balance, and to accommodate your intimate relationship with your husband.

A small change for those with young children, that worked for C and me, may be as simple as scheduling time for lovemaking in the early evening, as soon as the little ones go down, rather than waiting until bedtime when fatigue and sleepiness have already set in.

Or if you are a morning person who is generally finished and ready to sleep by 8pm, then rather set the alarm a bit earlier and start the day with a bang, or surprise your hubby by joining him for his morning shower!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Sex Ed - talking to your children about masturbation

A tricky topic has been on my mind lately, but as it is in my nature to overshare, I am going to go there anyway. If nothing else, it might get some good debate going.

What message do you give your children about masturbation? And how could that message affect their future inherent, subconscious perceptions of sex and orgasm as something natural and God-given, or something dirty and to be ashamed about?

What message did your parents or church give you about masturbation, and what impact has it had on you and on your marriage intimate relationship with your spouse?

This starts from an early age. Toddlers and young children touch their genitals, and the general reaction of parents is to say "Stop touching yourself!" What message does this give to the child, and can this be the start of an unspoken idea that good feelings 'down there' are shameful and wrong? Is it not better to restrain your initial gut-reaction and instead to take the child aside and calmly explain to them that while we understand that it feels good to touch themselves, and that mommy and daddy do it too sometimes, that this is something intimate that we do in private and not in public or in front of others. It can also be a good opportunity to have a broader age-appropriate discussion about sex and marriage. Also, that no-one else should be allowed to touch them there, and that they should tell mommy and daddy, or a teacher, if an adult or another child ever tries to do so.

Very importantly, does your message differ for your sons and daughters? I think there is a general feeling out there that is more tolerant of boys masturbating, given the biological imperative for a turnover in semen stocks, than it is for girls. Can this contribute to the negative perceptions that many young Christian girls are brought up to have about sex and their genitals, to the detriment of their future intimate relationship with their husbands, and their ability to experience and enjoy orgasm?

And at what age should you be talking to your children about this issue? Chances are, you need to do it much earlier than you think especially if you plan to wait until the teenage years. I was eleven when I first discovered masturbation for myself, by chance, after having become aroused while reading a romance novel from my mother's bookshelf (I was a voracious reader as a child, reading anything I could lay my hands on). I had no idea what had happened to me, just that it felt really good, and for the next year and a bit I continued experimenting in a mixture of excitement and confusion until at age thirteen I finally came across a description of masturbation while reading (again!) a human biology book in our local public library. My parents had given me a sex-ed book to read when I was twelve ("Here, read this and ask dad if you have any questions..." :), but it was incredibly elementary and conveniently ignored any contentious issues like masturbation and orgasm, so had left me even more confused. 

I asked C whether her mom ever spoke to her about masturbating, and she also says not, similar to me the sum-total of her parental sex-ed was a book left waiting on her bedside table one afternoon for her to read! She discovered masturbation from an article she came across in the Cosmopolitan!

That was the early 80's and thankfully there are some fantastic Christian-based books available today to assist parents with having age appropriate discussions with their children about sex, including masturbation, but please have a think about my series of questions posed above, and decide for yourself how to best address these questions with your own children. It is important, as the consequences can be potentially enduring and damaging for their marriages one day.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Sex tips for husbands - 10 Dont's

The last post in our series of four sex tip Do's and Dont's for husbands and wives. If you missed any of the others, you can find them on my blog homepage at


- neglect your personal hygiene. Keep your hair neat, shave or trim your beard, and before making love, shower and brush your teeth. Body hair or the absence thereof is a personal preference, so ask your wife what she prefers. If you are going to shave your pubic area then you need to do it almost daily, else the prickliness will be very uncomfortable for her. Same with trimming if you trim too short.

- assume that your wife knows everything about her body. This is especially true for young Christian wives with little prior sexual experience. C often counsels women, some of whom have been married for many years, who do not know where their clitoris or G-spot is or what an orgasm feels like. Teenage girls generally do not masturbate as much as boys, so don't always learn about their bodies on their own. Help and encourage your wife to learn about her body and what works for her. And it goes without saying that you must make sure that you get to know her intimate areas too. If you don't know where her clitoris or G-spot is, then ask her, or else do some reading and then take time to  discover together.

- make family planning all her responsibility. Contribute to birth control, by wearing condoms when necessary and getting a vasectomy when you have had your children. I did not realize until I had had my vasectomy just how much the fear of an unwanted pregnancy weighs on a wife's mind, even if sub-consciously. A friend once described his vasectomy as the best aphrodisiac his wife had ever experienced, and my own experience bears that out.

- watch porn or bring porn into your marriage - women are inherently insecure, so they tend to compare themselves to the 'perfect' bodies and over the top positions and reactions that they see on screen and feel that they cannot live up to this supposed 'ideal', so it is a downer and not a turn-on. This is a lesson that took me longer to learn than it should have, sorry C.

- pressure her to do stuff that she is not comfortable with. Suggest and then back off for a while, sometimes a long while, while she processes and gets comfortable with the idea. Then wait for her to bring it up again. Pestering will not help your cause! And don't come home with the biggest and most phallic toy you can find if you want to introduce your wife to sex toys for you to use together in the bedroom. I made this mistake in the early days of our marriage and C was so intimidated that it put her off toys for years! It was only a couple of years ago, when she and a friend visited a women only intimacy boutique that she came home with a toy that she was comfortable to start experimenting with. Since then I have left her to do the buying, and she now has a nice collection of different toys for us to use together. Most toys these days intended for clitoral stimulation are not phallic shaped at all, but look more like a computer mouse, which makes them less intimidating for first time users and easier to explain away should your young child inadvertently come across it! G-spot toys for those like C that enjoy internal stimulation are also much more 'women friendly' these days, in feminine colors and sleek designs - try Lelo for a great range.

- wait for your wife to be 'horny' before initiating sex. Women don't often get physically 'horny' as we men understand it, at least not after the initial hormonal rush of the 'honeymoon phase' has worn off. Job, house, children, shopping, cooking, caring for elderly parents and other demands of everyday life means that most wives these days exist in a perpetual state of exhaustion to one degree of another. This means that it is hard for them to find the time to rest physically and relax mentally enough to be able to focus on becoming mentally and physically aroused. I asked C about this for the purposes of this blog post, enquiring as to what would cause her to become aroused enough to masturbate when she is alone. She says that it is only when she is really relaxed that this happens spontaneously, and that these days it is a rather rare occurrence! Fortunately, however, kissing, massage and further foreplay will lead to arousal and sexual enjoyment without your wife having been horny to start with. If she makes the conscious mental decision to respond to your caresses and to make love, then once she gets into it, she will likely become turned on to the point that she can be physically satisfied. So don't be shy to make the first move.

- go straight to the sex organs, she might need a bit of relaxing first. I know that this point is a corollary to one of the Do's in last night's post, but it is important enough, and a common enough male mistake, to bear repeating. Be gentle and start slowly. Try massaging her hands, feet or back to begin with. C can get very sensitive skin and can be very ticklish when not aroused, so if I go straight to her vagina with my hands, she will automatically tense up, even if she doesn't consciously want to. Strangely enough, once aroused, she is not ticklish at all, and for me this can be a good indication that I can now move forward to the next step.

- be selfish. Gentlemen, the general rule is that ladies should come first, at least most of the time, and unless she lets you know otherwise (in which case honor her wishes and allow yourself to finish off as soon as possible). Remember also that some women are capable of more than one orgasm, so do not assume that she is satisfied if she has come once. Multiple orgasms can take the form of a continuous chain or interlinked serial orgasms that roll from one into the other, or they can be a series of discreet climaxes separated by a 'plateau' period of rest before the next one. Take the time to learn your lover's pattern, and if you want to maximize her pleasure, then don't stop until she is done. That said, many women are satisfied with one good orgasm a session, and that is fine too. Once she is satisfied, then you can focus on your own release, and if you do happen to orgasm before her, and cannot continue with intercourse, then move immediately to another form of stimulation that she enjoys until she is done.

- feel like a failure if your wife doesn't orgasm, and don't punish her emotionally by sulking about it. Her orgasm is ultimately more about her emotional state of mind and degree of engagement than your physical prowess and technique. Making love can be an emotionally satisfying experience for women even without orgasm, as for them it is as much about the journey as the destination. For women who battle to orgasm, focussing too much on getting her to climax can put her under undue pressure, and be counterproductive, so focus instead on the intimacy, and on caressing her in the way that she enjoys, and the the rest will follow when she is relaxed and comfortable enough. We know of many couples where it took the woman two or three years to learn to climax, so be patient.

- roll over and go straight to sleep. Cliched but true. As The Marriage Bed posted the other day, it is not you falling asleep that is the problem as much as it is you rolling over and turning your back on her, so if you do have to fall asleep afterwards, don't turn your back, but take her in your arms and cuddle her as you fall asleep.

Sex tips for husbands: 10 do's

Part three in our four part series, which has covered do's and dont's for wives over the past two days. Now it is the turn for husbands.


Understand that women are complicated and very emotional compared to men. As C said when we were discussing this post "It's not always about you, sometimes it's just us. We don't always understand our emotions either and sometimes it is just as frustrating for us." What we as husbands can do, however, is to choose how we react. Instead of getting grumpy in return, or 'fighting back', we need to learn to put our own needs aside and offer a comforting hug or a back rub instead. Sometimes C needs me to help her tease out what the underlying issues are that are making her feel the way she does. And that helps build emotional intimacy in your relationship that will ultimately lead to greater physical intimacy down the line. Emotional intimacy and foreplay are just as important for women as physical foreplay - read Dr Kevin Leman's "Sex Begins in the Kitchen".

While men are overwhelmingly visual in terms of what turns us on, we need to remember that most women are not visual. What you say and what you do are more likely to turn her on or off than what you look like. While your basic personal grooming and personal hygiene are important to your wife, she is likely to value the hour that you spend helping the kids with their homework, or chatting to her about your respective days as you prepare dinner together, much more than the six pack abdominals you could get from spending that same hour in the gym each evening.

Let your wife know that you think she is the most beautiful and sexy woman you have ever encountered. And remind her of this constantly. Women are inherently insecure and compare themselves constantly to the 'perfect' stereotypes that Hollywood, Fashion Magazines and Television advertising put in front of them on a daily basis. It is our job as husbands to counter this societal pressure and to build up our wives through genuine, heartfelt and regular affirmation.

Help your wife to get enough rest. Women cite exhaustion as the primary reason for low libido or for refusing sex. So help around the house and with the kids in the evening. Help to create a weekend routine that provides enough downtime for rest and relaxation. And encourage your wife to take time out to treat herself. In my experience, women are natural caregivers, who tend to place the needs of their family and friends above their own needs. I find that I often have to remind C to take time out for herself, or she does not get around to it. Buying her a gift voucher for a facial, massage or manicure works well, as does taking the kids out for a half day or day on the weekend to allow her time alone at home to just 'chill' with a book or to have an afternoon nap.

[I know that by this point, husbands, some of you are wondering why in a list of 10 sex tips for husbands, I have not yet got around to anything specifically dealing with tips for love-making. Especially if you have read my previous posts of do's and dont's for wives. But that is pretty much the point - for wives, most of the lead up to great sex does not happen in the bedroom, but much earlier in the day, and is much more tied to their perceived status of their general emotional relationship with their lover. As someone once said, "husbands need to have sex to feel loved, while wives need to feel loved to have sex." With that point made, let's move on to the bedroom...]

If your wife is self conscious, help set the scene with candles, low wattage lighting, music, scents and anything else that might take her focus off herself and her perceived shortcomings and allow her to focus entirely on you and on the event.

Kiss more. Kiss to start off, kiss while you get going, and kiss while you are doing it. Kiss properly. Remember those long, insanely intense make-out sessions from before you were married? Do you kiss as much now as you did then? If not, why has that changed? Chances are, your wife is pretty sad that it has and wishes for more. For C, kissing is very intimate and is definitely the best form of foreplay to get her aroused. We generally just kiss lots, and not just as a prelude to sex, which I think is important. And our kids get to see us kissing too, which I think is also important, much as they love to roll their eyes and act embarrassed!

Take your time, don't rush foreplay. And don't be too direct, especially not too soon. Focus on general full-body stroking to start with, rather than going straight for the breasts or vagina. And when it is time to move it up a notch, again start by gently cupping and stroking the whole breast, for example, especially the sensitive sides of the breast, rather than going straight for the nipple. Same with the vagina. Wait until your lover is properly aroused before moving your focus to her genitals, and start by cupping and stroking the whole area, rather than heading straight to her clitoris. Be slow and gentle - women generally prefer a lighter touch than guys. So in the same way that one of our tips for wives is to be firmer than they would be when touching themselves, for example a firmer grip and harder action when giving their husband a hand job, husbands should be slower and gentler with their wife's breasts and clitoris than is the natural male inclination. Try experiment with just gently touching the aroused clitoris while hardly moving at all. Same for oral sex; a broader, softer, gentler action is generally better than a harder stabbing motion. The best bet of all, of course, is to ask your spouse what she likes, and to allow her to show you, or guide you, as to what works best for her.

Try different positions, but make sure that your wife is physically comfortable, or else she will get distracted. It is hard for her to focus on her orgasm with cramp in her calf! Generally, wives prefer face to face positions so that you can cuddle and kiss and look at each other - emotional intimacy is important for women. For example, rear entry positions that stimulate her sensitive G-spot are physically really intense for C, but are ultimately not her favorite as she feels isolated by not being able to see me and it is therefore not as emotionally satisfying for her. We therefore typically combine these positions, like rear entry and reverse cowgirl, that are visually appealing for me, by starting or finishing with a position that allows the intimate face to face and full body contact that meets C's need for emotional intimacy as well.

Stick to the rhythm that works. Don't try to get harder and faster to get your wife over the edge. When you find what works, and she is responding and letting you know that she is enjoying what you are doing, stick to it exactly and do not change the rhythm at all until she has come. This applies to fingers, tongues and hips - C was very firm on this point when we were discussing this post! Changing anything as she gets close can make her lose it totally and then she has to start her journey up the orgasmic curve all over again.

Finally, be a gentleman when it comes to cleaning up afterwards. Keep a box of tissues handy next to the bed, or fetch a warm cloth from the bathroom for this purpose. Your wife will appreciate the care and attention. If you have used a condom then dispose of this discreetly, and if you have used a toy together, then wash this for your wife and return it to her bedside drawer for her. Then get back into bed, cuddle your wife, and tell her what a wonderful lover she is and how no-one could ever satisfy you the way that she does, and how blessed you are that God brought HER into your life.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Sex tips for wives - 10 dont's

Installment two in a planned series of four. Yesterday's edition was Do's for wives.


- allow yourslf to fall into the trap of thinking that sex is unimportant in your marriage. The Marriage Bed had a great tweet the other day that "Sex is marriage superglue" and I believe that to be true. We counsel too many couples who have battled to get their sex life back on track after the child bearing years, and have eventually given up and settled for being just 'good friends' and co-parents. That is not God's plan for your marriage. Keep fighting to get your love life back to its previous glory. If you stick with it, it will eventually get better and then great again. In a previous Blog post, C and I wrote how it took her two years after the birth of our second child for her body to get back to its previous degree of sexual response, so give yourself time.

- promise unless you plan to deliver. And by promise, I mean any small hint of possibility that we may get lucky later. Us guys are super optimists when it comes to sex, and a 'maybe' for you is a definite 'YES' to our ears! And once we think it is going to happen, our hormones go into sperm producing overdrive in expectation, leaving us supremely grumpy if something, like life, intervenes and you are too tired by bed-time. Unfair, we know, but like you with PMS it is very difficult for us to control our hormone driven response. If possible, be understanding and spend a couple of minutes giving us a hand-job at least, to relieve the physical tension, and to allow us to return to the calm, reasoned husbands that you adore!

- FAKE IT, EVER! JUST DON'T. It is patronizing and disrespectful and will make your husband feel stupid when he finds out that you have been conning him all along. We all want to be great lovers, and to give you the greatest physical pleasure possible, so instead of resorting to living a lie that has the potential to do real damage to your marital relationship, rather be honest and take the time to educate your lover as to what really works for you and what he needs to do differently. And if you don't know, then take the time to find out on your own what works best for you, so that you can guide him. He may have an initial defensive reaction driven by our fragile male egos, but in time he will appreciate your honesty, to the benefit of your physical and overall relationship in the long term. A couple of tips, try to focus on the positive by affirming your lover for what he does right ("Yes, like that" ; "Mmmmm, I like it when you...." ; "Don't stop") or else stick to non-judgemental and non-emotive language ("slowly" ; "gently" ; "take your time" ; "not yet" ; "a bit higher" ; "now, harder, faster, yes...") instead of the ego damaging "I hate it when you..." ; "why do you always...." ; "you are so clueless" or, horror of horrors, "Ben never had trouble making me come."

- just lie there. There is nothing worse than making love to an inanimate object that is not an active participant; in fact, that is not making love, it is just sex. That is why I have never understood the blow-up doll thing. Please don't be a blow-up doll for your husband! Very occasionally, when C is tired and I am horny, she will jokingly say "okay, you get on top and go for it, just don't wake me", and it is an instant cure for my horniness, a real passion-killer. I cannot contemplate making love without the give and take, action and reaction interplay of two fully engaged bodies, minds and souls conjoined in the most intimate and vulnerable of acts.

- assume that men do not like, or do not need, foreplay. Especially as we get older, we need more time to get warned up too. That means that you cannot just be the primary recipient of foreplay, as you maybe were in the early years of your relationship. Make sure that you touch and stroke too. Learn where your lover's sensitive spots are and how he likes to be stimulated. Aside from the obvious, try kissing his neck and earlobes, playing with his nipples, or stroking behind his knees, his inner thighs, his perineum (the area between his testicles and anus) or his anus itself.

- worry about how you taste! C has never really understood this, I don't think, despite my best efforts over the past 18 years to convince her, and still doesn't like to kiss me after I've been down on her, but I truly do love her salty-sweet taste.

- don't jump up and shower straight after sex. It gives us the impression that you think sex is dirty and wrong. It is supposed to be sweaty and messy, so embrace that fact and rather take the time to snuggle afterwards and to enjoy the afterglow. It may even lead to a repeat performance...

- get into a sexual rut. Your sex life needs variety to stay passionate. Try a new location, new position, new perfume, new lighting, new music, or new lube. Buy a new toy and experiment with it with your partner. Play out a fantasy, like strangers meeting in a bar, or dress up just for fun. Chances are one or more attempts will feel silly and lead to fits of giggles, but that is okay too! Laughter creates shared memories that also lead to greater intimacy.

- be embarrassed to talk about your sex life with your spouse. While it may be hard to begin with, you will get more comfortable the more you do it. Ever heard guys around the barbecue after a big game? They like to dissect the game play by play. Same with sex. It's how we learn, so teach us.

- hold back. We know you like to be in control, and that control is important to you, but leave that at the bedroom door. Great sex is about giving in and making yourself totally vulnerable to your partner and to the intensity off the sensations that you are experiencing. So if you need to scream when you come, then take steps to soundproof your room so that you do not need to worry about holding back in case you wake the kids. If you are one of the 20% or so of women who can ejaculate when you have an intense orgasm, then invest in a waterproof under sheet and put down a towel to lie on so that you don't need to worry about wetting the bed if you really let yourself go. And if you are worried about an unexpected pregnancy, then beef up your birth control. Use two methods if necessary to give yourself the piece of mind to be able to focus without distraction on experiencing the most intense pleasure possible. And if you find it difficult to enjoy sex and orgasm as a result of baggage from your upbringing (sex is dirty, sex is wrong, sex is a duty to be endured) or from past abuse or previous relationships, then please, please, please seek help from a Christian counsellor so that you can be freed to experience true physical intimacy with your spouse, in the fullness that God intended for your marriage.

Guys, what can you add to this list? We would love to hear from you.

Tomorrow, 10 Do's for the Husbands, with some help from C and her partner at Sensuous Wives.

Ladies, if you want to add to the lists for the next two days, then send me your suggestions by mail at "" and I will incorporate them. This is your chance to anonymously educate your Hubby with your desired Do's and Dont's for him that you are not confident enough to share with him face to face.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sex tips for wives - 10 do's

The plan is to do this as a four part series over the next few days - do's and dont's for wives and then do's and dont's for husbands.

First, though, a little disclaimer; the list below and the ones to follow in this series are based on our experience and on generally recurring themes in the counseling sessions that C and I have had with couples over the years. It is unashamedly a generalization and everyone's list will be different. There are no right and wrong answers when it comes to making love with your spouse; what is right is what works and what feels good for you and your lover (providing that does not involve bringing a third party/ies into your relationship). So read the lists together with your spouse and use it as a discussion starter to chat about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom.

For wives - DO:

- be fully naked for sex and sleep naked if you can. In winter, rather add an extra blanket than wear flannel PJ's to bed. We love how you feel. From early adolescence we are besotted with the female form, and your softness, smoothness and silkyness compared to our rough hairines never ceases to amaze us. The feel of your naked breast in our palm or your naked butt tucked into our groin as we snuggle you to sleep never gets old. We even, secretly, love it that we can warm your icy feet between our thighs...

- leave the lights on when we make love and walk around the bedroom naked, we love how you look. We don't understand your insecurities with your figure. To us you are gorgeous, beautiful and wonderfully made. You are God's perfect creation and we adore gazing on your perfect form. The bits you hate, like your stretch-marks, are a daily reminder to us that your body carried and delivered our children, and are just another reason that we love YOU to the depths of our being. And when you bend over naked to pick up something and we get a glimpse of your vagina from behind, well, say no more...

- actively participate when we make love, and encourage us when we do something right - move, sigh, moan, arch your back, tell us. What you like and how you like it changes quite regularly, so help us out. Show us what you like and what you want, just take our hand or our head or our hips and guide us to exactly where you want us.

- let us know when you come. We love to watch and hear you orgasm and to know that we did that to you, but women are complicated and we aren't always sure, even after years of making love to you, so help us out by letting us know. Just let yourself go.

- use lube! It just feels better. And do your kegels, especially after kids. I'm not a big fan of elective Caesarian births, but there is a little part of me that envies those couples who have avoided vaginal deliveries!

- give us more oral sex. Not always all the way, it is great foreplay too. And if you do go all the way, yes, we prefer you to swallow, but if you don't like to do that, we will take what we can get and enjoy it anyway! For those who avoid giving oral sex because you don't like to swallow, rather teach your man the 'tap-tap' method. When he can feel that his orgasm is imminent, have him tap you on the shoulder so that you have time to take your mouth out of the way and finish him off with your hand. And if you find that your jaw gets sore and cramps, alternate your hand and your mouth every couple of minutes to give yourself a break in between.

- be on top sometimes, and make it all about pleasuring yourself, we like to be used occasionally and it proves to us that YOU really love sex for your own pleasure too, and are not doing it just for us.

- dress up for us occasionally. Sexy lingerie or a French Maid's outfit, whatever, it's the thought that counts. This goes for personal grooming too. When we were dating you used to shave your legs every time you were going to see us, and don't think that we didn't notice and appreciate the effort. And which man doesn't appreciate the surprise of a fresh Brazilian wax every now and then (on a personal note, I prefer a little landing strip to remain - something about the full Hollywood wax disturbs me just a little as the father of a young daughter...)

- surprise us with something sexy and out of character from time to time! While out at dinner, whisper in our ear that you are not wearing any underwear, and then drag us off to the 'uni' bathrooms  for a quickie between mains and dessert. C's tip - remember to pack and use a condom for quick and easy cleaning up afterwards.

- make a plan to go away with just your man for a couple of days at least twice a year. No kids, no family, no friends, just the two of you somewhere romantic where you can go for long walks, have slow dinners, sleep late and spend hours in bed, talking, touching, bonding, massaging and taking your time to make love with no distractions and no interruptions. Start slow though, without the pressure of undue expectations that can cause conflict (you want to use the time to talk and reconnect, he starts to get undressed before the Bellboy is even out of the room!). C and I find that it takes a day or two for us to relax and to drift closer together again after the business of everyday life with two busy careers and two busy and sporty children, but that by day three or four alone together we are approaching full honeymoon mode again.

What are your favorite tips? We would love to hear.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Coming together

One of the issues that SensuousWives often have to deal with, especially in counseling young, Christian married couples who have not had much sexual experience prior to marriage, is the expectation that simultaneous orgasms are 'the norm' and that there is something 'wrong' with them if they do not regularly orgasm at the same time.

This is unfortunately a myth created and perpetuated in romance novels and Hollywood movies, which for many couples is their primary reference point for sexual education prior to marriage.

In reality, for most couples simultaneous orgasms are a rarity, if they happen at all. When they do happen, it can be wonderful, but it is not a goal to be pursued at all costs, and certainly not something to stress about when it does not happen.

For most couples, the woman will generally require more foreplay than her husband, and longer stimulation during intercourse, to reach orgasm, unless he makes a particular effort to delay his orgasm until she is satisfied. Many women also find it difficult to orgasm from penetration at all.

So instead of stressing about climaxing together, rather just focus on satisfying each other, regardless of who climaxes first. That said, gentlemen, the rule is 'ladies first'. If your partner battles to orgasm through intercourse, then take the time first to take her to orgasm in the way that works best for her (ask her, or better yet ask her to show you). Once she is satisfied, you can then move onto intercourse and satisfy yourself. If she can only climax through intercourse after extended foreplay, then give her manual or oral stimulation or use a toy on her until she lets you know that she is really close to coming before you enter her. And if she needs additional manual stimulation during intercourse in order to reach climax, then find a position that allows you, or her if she prefers, to reach her clitoris for this purpose.

If you do come first, husbands, that does not give you a license to roll-over and fall asleep. One wife told us that in the early days of her marriage, when she was still to shy to ask her partner for what she needed, she would have to sneak off to the bathroom after he had fallen asleep to bring herself to orgasm. That is so sad. A gentleman if he comes first should always then offer to immediately move to stimulating his wife in her preferred way, to satisfy her too before his work for the night is done.

And remember that if one of you does not climax from time to time, that is fine too. If you are making love reasonably often, then there is always 'tomorrow night'! And as they say, especially for women, the journey is at least as important, and as pleasurable, as the destination. If the focus is all on the climax, you are missing out on all those long minutes of toe-curling stimulation along the way.

Finally guys, if your wife is one of the lucky few who can have multiple orgasms, then it is even more important to make sure that she starts coming before you do, and to continue to provide her with the required stimulation to allow her to continue coming after you have finished, until she is fully satisfied.

Remember that the more satisfied your wife is, the more likely it is that she will want to make love more regularly!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Wives: why we need you to initiate sex, just occasionally

Here's the thing. We understand that we mostly need to initiate sex. We've read and learned from experience not to wait for you to be horny before making a move, and we understand that we have a physical need for regular sex that you do not. We also know that once we start making out, you will likely get into it, and become aroused, and end up really enjoying the experience. BUT, when we initiate ALL the time, there's always that little underlying niggle that satan plants in our brain, that maybe you don't really want us the way we want you, and that as much as you protest otherwise, you submit out of a sense of duty and not because you really want us and love making love with us.

That is why we need you to seduce us from time to time. There is absolutely nothing more affirming for me, than when C comes onto me and initiates love-making for the pure and simple reason that she is horny and aroused and needs to feel ME inside her, right now. I can't actually put into words just how good that makes me feel about myself, and how much it reassures me about our sexual relationship in general.

I think some of this reticence to show us that you desire sex may hark back to the old and outdated Victorian concept that a 'Lady' cannot be seen to enjoy sex too much. If so, then please pray for God to show you how to get past this. Or maybe that you are just unsure of how to go about initiating sex, and therefore feel uncomfortable doing do. Trust me, us men are simple creatures, especially when it comes to sex, so just be direct. You don't need to do the whole dress-up routine, or a strip show, or to have a pole installed in your boudoir (not that we would not appreciate any of these!). All that is needed is to whisper a simple "I want you, now" (you can shorten this to two short words if you are comfortable using more risqué language with your lover...) or even just roll across to our side of the bed, take our Kindle out of our hand, and kiss us in a way that communicates the same message. 

Try it this weekend. Then watch the next day, and the days after that, how your husband walks a little taller, and approaches the world a little more confidently, because he is a man, and he is desired.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Lend a hand

Ladies, ask men what would be their ideal frequency for sex and I reckon the majority would answer 'nearly daily'. I can manage a day without, but longer than that and I start getting edgy and longer than two days I generally need to take care of things myself. As much as I am blessed with a wife who loves regular sex, there are times when C has a bad migraine or is on her period and is just not in the mood, and as we know, women do not have the same physical need for sexual release that us men do. On these occasions, do your man a favor and without him having to beg, offer to give him quick oral or manual relief. It will likely only take 2-3 minutes and will make him feel really cherished and loved. What I really enjoy when C does this for me is that I can focus purely on my own pleasure without feeling selfish. When we make love, I take care to satisfy C first, before focusing on my own pleasure, and it is great every now and then for it to be just all about me. A simple hand job can provide a really intense release.

It took a long time in our marriage for C to admit that her reticence to offer to take care of me in this way was based largely on just not knowing how to approach it. So then, how to give the perfect hand job? Here are a couple of tips that we have picked up over the years: First up, do it enthusiastically because you really want to pleasure your man, and not grudgingly or out of a sense of duty, we can definitely tell the difference. Secondly, it can be uncomfortable getting the angle right when lying down next to your spouse. Instead, have him lie on the bed with his knees bent and his feet apart, and then kneel or sit cross-legged between his legs. Third, use lube or a generous dollop of body lotion which prevents chaffing and really ups the pleasure factor. Then, ask your man to demonstrate to you how he masturbates. Note the grip and pressure that he uses, how far up and down his shaft he strokes, and the speed that he prefers, plus how this changes as he approaches orgasm. Does he grip and move the skin up and down the underlying shaft, or does he slide his hand up and down over the skin, and does this change as he approaches orgasm? Fourthly, apply more pressure than you would use on yourself, probably a lot more - you really can grip and squeeze the shaft (but not his testicles!) quite tightly, especially towards the end (makes you realize why doing your kegels is so important, doesn't it? ;)   Finally, and this is the tricky bit, don't stop stroking firmly until he has finished ejaculating, but watch carefully, and stop as soon as he gives you any indication that his orgasm is over. Like you, his penis, especially the head, gets intensely sensitive afterwards and any continued stimulation can be quite uncomfortable. All that then remains is to snuggle up and bask in the joint satisfaction of a job well done!

Sunday, September 9, 2012


Ladies, guys really are visual, and one of my great pleasures is to watch C getting dressed in the morning into great lingerie. The image sticks with me all day. I love it that she is interacting with people during the day, but only she and I know that she has on a wispy, super-sexy, little lace ensemble underneath. It is our shared secret.

Last night we went to a friend's 40th birthday party, and C wore a Jolidon fifties retro style lace and satin garter belt combo with lace topped stockings under her dress. When she walked or sat I got the odd flash of lace topped thigh, which had me horny all evening!

Wear sexy lingerie every day (at least a color co-ordinated set), because it makes you feel 'grown up', sexy and powerful, or because it tells your man that you are a sensual and sexual being, or just because your man will worship and repay you many times over...

Get out of the bedroom!

We spent three weeks in July camping in the remote parts of Botswana and Zimbabwe, with our two young children (6 & 9) and three other families. Sharing a tent with the little ones for this length of time provided lots of incentive to come up with different and innovative places and positions for Nookie - quickies in the camp showers becoming a firm favorite! So my tip of the day is to revitalize your sex life by getting out of your usual routine (Sunday night, missionary, in bed, with the lights off anyone?) and trying a different location and a different position. Add a risk of being discovered to make things really fun!!!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Ten confessions of a sex positive couple

There have been a number of posts on the various Christian marriage blogs recently from 'sex-positive' husbands and 'sex-positive' wives, so we thought we would throw in our five cents worth too, but that we should collaborate and do it as a couple. So here goes our '10 confessions from a sex-positive couple' written by Happy Hubby and Sensuous Wives:

1) We have only ever slept with each other.
We were lucky to meet when we were young, C was 19 and I was 22 when we started dating. Although we had both had previous fairly serious relationships, we do believe that God was saving us for each other. Since this is confession time, no, we didn't wait for our wedding night, but we do believe that being each other's only sexual partners has had a very positive effect on our intimate relationship, as we do not have past sexual hurts and never had to worry about being compared to previous lovers. We learned together pretty much everything we know about sex.

2) Sex has mostly been easy for us, and we have always had a lot of it - the childbearing years excluded!
C had tough pregnancies, with bad morning sickness, heartburn, bad hormonal headaches and episiotomies both times that left her very sensitive for a long time afterwards. She went overnight from being high drive to having no libido at all, and after the births from being easily multiply-orgasmic to really battling to climax through intercourse. It took her over a year after each birth to get her groove back, leaving me feeling very deprived for two years each time! My drive had not changed, I found her pregnant body massively sexy, and I was used to daily nookie, so I really battled. I'm not proud to say that I was very irritable and grumpy as a result, which no doubt didn't help. Luckily we did not give up and worked hard to get our intimate life back on track afterwards. Good friends told us "Don't worry, it gets better, don't give up" and that was great advice, as we believe that many couples do give up their intimate relationship in these years, and never recover, to the lasting detriment of their wider marriage relationship.

3) We used to fight, a lot, but sex kept us intimate
I read a lovely quote the other day that said "My marriage improved greatly when I stopped focussing on my needs and my wife's faults and started to focus instead on her needs and my faults". I think that we were both selfish in this regard when we were younger, and as a result our relationship was very tempestuous. Luckily for me, C never used sex as a weapon, and our intimate relationship was definitely a part of the glue that held us together in those early years.

4) We battled to conceive for five years
This was a tough and emotional time for us, with medication, operations, treatments, IVF, miscarriages, and lots more, but our close relationship with each other and the Lord enabled us to weather the trials while growing closer to each other and to Him instead of further apart. The downside was that sex became something of a chore after a while rather than something to look forward to. We were doing it every night because we had to, not because we wanted to, and it definitely wasn't always passionate. What we learned to do in the end was to take breaks every couple of months. By taking time out, and not 'trying' for a month or two every six months or so, we were able to make love again for no other reason than that we were in the mood. And in the end the Lord blessed us with two wonderful children, both conceived naturally!

5) We used to have different views on the need for variety in the bedroom, but have got past that now. See my recent Blog post on this topic "Variety is the spice of life!"

6) We are still learning new things, about ourselves and each other, and the sex just keeps getting better and better, both physically and emotionally.
A single friend asked me once "But don't you get bored making love to the same person year in and year out?" My answer, a resounding NO! C and I make love as often now as we did 18 years ago, and it is even more satisfying than it was then. We still keep discovering new tricks, and I love how C's body keeps changing in terms of what she enjoys. It keeps me on my toes as just when I think I have her sussed, the thing that has been driving her wild for the past six months is suddenly ticklish or irritating, and I have to start exploring all over again! For our first 15 years together, C loved being on top and that was our go-to standard position. In the past two years, she has discovered a preference  for the missionary position which we hardly ever used before. Go figure!

7) Our best sex tip? Use a good lubricant.
Even if you think you don't need it, trust us, it will be even better with it. It enhances sensation, allows you to make love for longer without discomfort, thus improving your wife's chances of reaching orgasm (or more orgasms), and prevents chafing or tearing by reducing friction, allowing you to be ready to make love sooner again afterwards. There are some great brands on the market these days, that are not sticky, don't leave any residue, last for ages, and don't taste too bad either! We use a water based lube in the bedroom (we like Shunga best), and a silicone based lube for in the jacuzzi or the shower as it doesn't wash off (we use Pjur).

8) 69 just doesn't work for us!
I am six foot and C is 5'2", enough said. But not for lack of trying. Plus C claims that she can't concentrate on two things at the same time! I guess the message is to do what is good for you and don't feel guilty about the rest - we get far too caught up in judging ourselves against what we read in rhe latest bestselling trilogy and watch in the latest blockbuster - the 'Hollywood myth' of idealized sex that we all feel the need to aspire to. This is where porn is so damaging and creates such unrealistic expectations for so many couples.

9) Toys can be fun.
Refer 5 and 6 above! We have only discovered this in the last three years or so, and only use them occasionally, but they are great for variety. I get great pleasure from pleasuring my wife, and I love using a toy on her and observing her response. Happy's Tip: select a toy based on whether your wife is most responsive to internal (G spot) or external (Clitoral) stimulation, and as for 7 above, always use a good lube. C's Tip: you can use your toy on your man too; just hold it still against the sensitive spot at the base of the head of his penis for a very novel sensation!

10) Intimacy is our ministry.
We want others to experience the oneness that true intimacy can bring. Three years ago C and a like minded friend opened Sensuous, a women only intimacy boutique aimed principally at Christian wives, run by wives and mothers that their customers could identify with. This has since grown into a wider ministry, presenting talks and courses on marriage and intimacy to churches, women's groups and women's functions and events. Happy Hubby is the male alter ego of Sensuous Wives.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Variety is the spice of life!

C and I have always had a fantastic intimate relationship (the child rearing years aside - subject of a future Blog post), but like many married couples, we slowly fell into the trap of allowing our lovemaking to become staid and predictable. We were still having plenty of sex, and knew exactly how to make each other orgasm, but we followed the same routine every time, and over time I began to feel bored and stifled. C was happy, with a 'if it ain't broke don't fix it approach', while I was starting to get increasingly frustrated. Luckily we do communicate on intimate issues, and to her eternal credit, C did take note of what I was saying. Although it wasn't a change she needed, she and a friend made a trip to a women only intimacy boutique (a big step for her at the time!), and she came home unannounced one day with a selection of sexy underwear, some couples toys and other nick nacks for us to play with. Also to her credit, although she is not a huge fan of foreplay, not really needing much, she has realized how much I love it, and has become much more amenable in recent years to spending time occasionally with toys, fingers and tongues before the main event. We have also got better at trying new positions (finding some new firm favorites in the process, and others what are just not worth the effort), and doing it outside the bedroom every now and then, all of which has added a new energy, excitement and level of satisfaction to our lovemaking.