The plan is to do this as a four part series over the next few days - do's and dont's for wives and then do's and dont's for husbands.
First, though, a little disclaimer; the list below and the ones to follow in this series are based on our experience and on generally recurring themes in the counseling sessions that C and I have had with couples over the years. It is unashamedly a generalization and everyone's list will be different. There are no right and wrong answers when it comes to making love with your spouse; what is right is what works and what feels good for you and your lover (providing that does not involve bringing a third party/ies into your relationship). So read the lists together with your spouse and use it as a discussion starter to chat about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom.
For wives - DO:
- be fully naked for sex and sleep naked if you can. In winter, rather add an extra blanket than wear flannel PJ's to bed. We love how you feel. From early adolescence we are besotted with the female form, and your softness, smoothness and silkyness compared to our rough hairines never ceases to amaze us. The feel of your naked breast in our palm or your naked butt tucked into our groin as we snuggle you to sleep never gets old. We even, secretly, love it that we can warm your icy feet between our thighs...
- leave the lights on when we make love and walk around the bedroom naked, we love how you look. We don't understand your insecurities with your figure. To us you are gorgeous, beautiful and wonderfully made. You are God's perfect creation and we adore gazing on your perfect form. The bits you hate, like your stretch-marks, are a daily reminder to us that your body carried and delivered our children, and are just another reason that we love YOU to the depths of our being. And when you bend over naked to pick up something and we get a glimpse of your vagina from behind, well, say no more...
- actively participate when we make love, and encourage us when we do something right - move, sigh, moan, arch your back, tell us. What you like and how you like it changes quite regularly, so help us out. Show us what you like and what you want, just take our hand or our head or our hips and guide us to exactly where you want us.
- let us know when you come. We love to watch and hear you orgasm and to know that we did that to you, but women are complicated and we aren't always sure, even after years of making love to you, so help us out by letting us know. Just let yourself go.
- use lube! It just feels better. And do your kegels, especially after kids. I'm not a big fan of elective Caesarian births, but there is a little part of me that envies those couples who have avoided vaginal deliveries!
- give us more oral sex. Not always all the way, it is great foreplay too. And if you do go all the way, yes, we prefer you to swallow, but if you don't like to do that, we will take what we can get and enjoy it anyway! For those who avoid giving oral sex because you don't like to swallow, rather teach your man the 'tap-tap' method. When he can feel that his orgasm is imminent, have him tap you on the shoulder so that you have time to take your mouth out of the way and finish him off with your hand. And if you find that your jaw gets sore and cramps, alternate your hand and your mouth every couple of minutes to give yourself a break in between.
- be on top sometimes, and make it all about pleasuring yourself, we like to be used occasionally and it proves to us that YOU really love sex for your own pleasure too, and are not doing it just for us.
- dress up for us occasionally. Sexy lingerie or a French Maid's outfit, whatever, it's the thought that counts. This goes for personal grooming too. When we were dating you used to shave your legs every time you were going to see us, and don't think that we didn't notice and appreciate the effort. And which man doesn't appreciate the surprise of a fresh Brazilian wax every now and then (on a personal note, I prefer a little landing strip to remain - something about the full Hollywood wax disturbs me just a little as the father of a young daughter...)
- surprise us with something sexy and out of character from time to time! While out at dinner, whisper in our ear that you are not wearing any underwear, and then drag us off to the 'uni' bathrooms for a quickie between mains and dessert. C's tip - remember to pack and use a condom for quick and easy cleaning up afterwards.
- make a plan to go away with just your man for a couple of days at least twice a year. No kids, no family, no friends, just the two of you somewhere romantic where you can go for long walks, have slow dinners, sleep late and spend hours in bed, talking, touching, bonding, massaging and taking your time to make love with no distractions and no interruptions. Start slow though, without the pressure of undue expectations that can cause conflict (you want to use the time to talk and reconnect, he starts to get undressed before the Bellboy is even out of the room!). C and I find that it takes a day or two for us to relax and to drift closer together again after the business of everyday life with two busy careers and two busy and sporty children, but that by day three or four alone together we are approaching full honeymoon mode again.
What are your favorite tips? We would love to hear.