Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sex tips for wives - 10 do's

The plan is to do this as a four part series over the next few days - do's and dont's for wives and then do's and dont's for husbands.

First, though, a little disclaimer; the list below and the ones to follow in this series are based on our experience and on generally recurring themes in the counseling sessions that C and I have had with couples over the years. It is unashamedly a generalization and everyone's list will be different. There are no right and wrong answers when it comes to making love with your spouse; what is right is what works and what feels good for you and your lover (providing that does not involve bringing a third party/ies into your relationship). So read the lists together with your spouse and use it as a discussion starter to chat about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom.

For wives - DO:

- be fully naked for sex and sleep naked if you can. In winter, rather add an extra blanket than wear flannel PJ's to bed. We love how you feel. From early adolescence we are besotted with the female form, and your softness, smoothness and silkyness compared to our rough hairines never ceases to amaze us. The feel of your naked breast in our palm or your naked butt tucked into our groin as we snuggle you to sleep never gets old. We even, secretly, love it that we can warm your icy feet between our thighs...

- leave the lights on when we make love and walk around the bedroom naked, we love how you look. We don't understand your insecurities with your figure. To us you are gorgeous, beautiful and wonderfully made. You are God's perfect creation and we adore gazing on your perfect form. The bits you hate, like your stretch-marks, are a daily reminder to us that your body carried and delivered our children, and are just another reason that we love YOU to the depths of our being. And when you bend over naked to pick up something and we get a glimpse of your vagina from behind, well, say no more...

- actively participate when we make love, and encourage us when we do something right - move, sigh, moan, arch your back, tell us. What you like and how you like it changes quite regularly, so help us out. Show us what you like and what you want, just take our hand or our head or our hips and guide us to exactly where you want us.

- let us know when you come. We love to watch and hear you orgasm and to know that we did that to you, but women are complicated and we aren't always sure, even after years of making love to you, so help us out by letting us know. Just let yourself go.

- use lube! It just feels better. And do your kegels, especially after kids. I'm not a big fan of elective Caesarian births, but there is a little part of me that envies those couples who have avoided vaginal deliveries!

- give us more oral sex. Not always all the way, it is great foreplay too. And if you do go all the way, yes, we prefer you to swallow, but if you don't like to do that, we will take what we can get and enjoy it anyway! For those who avoid giving oral sex because you don't like to swallow, rather teach your man the 'tap-tap' method. When he can feel that his orgasm is imminent, have him tap you on the shoulder so that you have time to take your mouth out of the way and finish him off with your hand. And if you find that your jaw gets sore and cramps, alternate your hand and your mouth every couple of minutes to give yourself a break in between.

- be on top sometimes, and make it all about pleasuring yourself, we like to be used occasionally and it proves to us that YOU really love sex for your own pleasure too, and are not doing it just for us.

- dress up for us occasionally. Sexy lingerie or a French Maid's outfit, whatever, it's the thought that counts. This goes for personal grooming too. When we were dating you used to shave your legs every time you were going to see us, and don't think that we didn't notice and appreciate the effort. And which man doesn't appreciate the surprise of a fresh Brazilian wax every now and then (on a personal note, I prefer a little landing strip to remain - something about the full Hollywood wax disturbs me just a little as the father of a young daughter...)

- surprise us with something sexy and out of character from time to time! While out at dinner, whisper in our ear that you are not wearing any underwear, and then drag us off to the 'uni' bathrooms  for a quickie between mains and dessert. C's tip - remember to pack and use a condom for quick and easy cleaning up afterwards.

- make a plan to go away with just your man for a couple of days at least twice a year. No kids, no family, no friends, just the two of you somewhere romantic where you can go for long walks, have slow dinners, sleep late and spend hours in bed, talking, touching, bonding, massaging and taking your time to make love with no distractions and no interruptions. Start slow though, without the pressure of undue expectations that can cause conflict (you want to use the time to talk and reconnect, he starts to get undressed before the Bellboy is even out of the room!). C and I find that it takes a day or two for us to relax and to drift closer together again after the business of everyday life with two busy careers and two busy and sporty children, but that by day three or four alone together we are approaching full honeymoon mode again.

What are your favorite tips? We would love to hear.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Coming together

One of the issues that SensuousWives often have to deal with, especially in counseling young, Christian married couples who have not had much sexual experience prior to marriage, is the expectation that simultaneous orgasms are 'the norm' and that there is something 'wrong' with them if they do not regularly orgasm at the same time.

This is unfortunately a myth created and perpetuated in romance novels and Hollywood movies, which for many couples is their primary reference point for sexual education prior to marriage.

In reality, for most couples simultaneous orgasms are a rarity, if they happen at all. When they do happen, it can be wonderful, but it is not a goal to be pursued at all costs, and certainly not something to stress about when it does not happen.

For most couples, the woman will generally require more foreplay than her husband, and longer stimulation during intercourse, to reach orgasm, unless he makes a particular effort to delay his orgasm until she is satisfied. Many women also find it difficult to orgasm from penetration at all.

So instead of stressing about climaxing together, rather just focus on satisfying each other, regardless of who climaxes first. That said, gentlemen, the rule is 'ladies first'. If your partner battles to orgasm through intercourse, then take the time first to take her to orgasm in the way that works best for her (ask her, or better yet ask her to show you). Once she is satisfied, you can then move onto intercourse and satisfy yourself. If she can only climax through intercourse after extended foreplay, then give her manual or oral stimulation or use a toy on her until she lets you know that she is really close to coming before you enter her. And if she needs additional manual stimulation during intercourse in order to reach climax, then find a position that allows you, or her if she prefers, to reach her clitoris for this purpose.

If you do come first, husbands, that does not give you a license to roll-over and fall asleep. One wife told us that in the early days of her marriage, when she was still to shy to ask her partner for what she needed, she would have to sneak off to the bathroom after he had fallen asleep to bring herself to orgasm. That is so sad. A gentleman if he comes first should always then offer to immediately move to stimulating his wife in her preferred way, to satisfy her too before his work for the night is done.

And remember that if one of you does not climax from time to time, that is fine too. If you are making love reasonably often, then there is always 'tomorrow night'! And as they say, especially for women, the journey is at least as important, and as pleasurable, as the destination. If the focus is all on the climax, you are missing out on all those long minutes of toe-curling stimulation along the way.

Finally guys, if your wife is one of the lucky few who can have multiple orgasms, then it is even more important to make sure that she starts coming before you do, and to continue to provide her with the required stimulation to allow her to continue coming after you have finished, until she is fully satisfied.

Remember that the more satisfied your wife is, the more likely it is that she will want to make love more regularly!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Wives: why we need you to initiate sex, just occasionally

Here's the thing. We understand that we mostly need to initiate sex. We've read and learned from experience not to wait for you to be horny before making a move, and we understand that we have a physical need for regular sex that you do not. We also know that once we start making out, you will likely get into it, and become aroused, and end up really enjoying the experience. BUT, when we initiate ALL the time, there's always that little underlying niggle that satan plants in our brain, that maybe you don't really want us the way we want you, and that as much as you protest otherwise, you submit out of a sense of duty and not because you really want us and love making love with us.

That is why we need you to seduce us from time to time. There is absolutely nothing more affirming for me, than when C comes onto me and initiates love-making for the pure and simple reason that she is horny and aroused and needs to feel ME inside her, right now. I can't actually put into words just how good that makes me feel about myself, and how much it reassures me about our sexual relationship in general.

I think some of this reticence to show us that you desire sex may hark back to the old and outdated Victorian concept that a 'Lady' cannot be seen to enjoy sex too much. If so, then please pray for God to show you how to get past this. Or maybe that you are just unsure of how to go about initiating sex, and therefore feel uncomfortable doing do. Trust me, us men are simple creatures, especially when it comes to sex, so just be direct. You don't need to do the whole dress-up routine, or a strip show, or to have a pole installed in your boudoir (not that we would not appreciate any of these!). All that is needed is to whisper a simple "I want you, now" (you can shorten this to two short words if you are comfortable using more risqué language with your lover...) or even just roll across to our side of the bed, take our Kindle out of our hand, and kiss us in a way that communicates the same message. 

Try it this weekend. Then watch the next day, and the days after that, how your husband walks a little taller, and approaches the world a little more confidently, because he is a man, and he is desired.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Lend a hand

Ladies, ask men what would be their ideal frequency for sex and I reckon the majority would answer 'nearly daily'. I can manage a day without, but longer than that and I start getting edgy and longer than two days I generally need to take care of things myself. As much as I am blessed with a wife who loves regular sex, there are times when C has a bad migraine or is on her period and is just not in the mood, and as we know, women do not have the same physical need for sexual release that us men do. On these occasions, do your man a favor and without him having to beg, offer to give him quick oral or manual relief. It will likely only take 2-3 minutes and will make him feel really cherished and loved. What I really enjoy when C does this for me is that I can focus purely on my own pleasure without feeling selfish. When we make love, I take care to satisfy C first, before focusing on my own pleasure, and it is great every now and then for it to be just all about me. A simple hand job can provide a really intense release.

It took a long time in our marriage for C to admit that her reticence to offer to take care of me in this way was based largely on just not knowing how to approach it. So then, how to give the perfect hand job? Here are a couple of tips that we have picked up over the years: First up, do it enthusiastically because you really want to pleasure your man, and not grudgingly or out of a sense of duty, we can definitely tell the difference. Secondly, it can be uncomfortable getting the angle right when lying down next to your spouse. Instead, have him lie on the bed with his knees bent and his feet apart, and then kneel or sit cross-legged between his legs. Third, use lube or a generous dollop of body lotion which prevents chaffing and really ups the pleasure factor. Then, ask your man to demonstrate to you how he masturbates. Note the grip and pressure that he uses, how far up and down his shaft he strokes, and the speed that he prefers, plus how this changes as he approaches orgasm. Does he grip and move the skin up and down the underlying shaft, or does he slide his hand up and down over the skin, and does this change as he approaches orgasm? Fourthly, apply more pressure than you would use on yourself, probably a lot more - you really can grip and squeeze the shaft (but not his testicles!) quite tightly, especially towards the end (makes you realize why doing your kegels is so important, doesn't it? ;)   Finally, and this is the tricky bit, don't stop stroking firmly until he has finished ejaculating, but watch carefully, and stop as soon as he gives you any indication that his orgasm is over. Like you, his penis, especially the head, gets intensely sensitive afterwards and any continued stimulation can be quite uncomfortable. All that then remains is to snuggle up and bask in the joint satisfaction of a job well done!

Sunday, September 9, 2012


Ladies, guys really are visual, and one of my great pleasures is to watch C getting dressed in the morning into great lingerie. The image sticks with me all day. I love it that she is interacting with people during the day, but only she and I know that she has on a wispy, super-sexy, little lace ensemble underneath. It is our shared secret.

Last night we went to a friend's 40th birthday party, and C wore a Jolidon fifties retro style lace and satin garter belt combo with lace topped stockings under her dress. When she walked or sat I got the odd flash of lace topped thigh, which had me horny all evening!

Wear sexy lingerie every day (at least a color co-ordinated set), because it makes you feel 'grown up', sexy and powerful, or because it tells your man that you are a sensual and sexual being, or just because your man will worship and repay you many times over...

Get out of the bedroom!

We spent three weeks in July camping in the remote parts of Botswana and Zimbabwe, with our two young children (6 & 9) and three other families. Sharing a tent with the little ones for this length of time provided lots of incentive to come up with different and innovative places and positions for Nookie - quickies in the camp showers becoming a firm favorite! So my tip of the day is to revitalize your sex life by getting out of your usual routine (Sunday night, missionary, in bed, with the lights off anyone?) and trying a different location and a different position. Add a risk of being discovered to make things really fun!!!