Friday, November 23, 2012

Male arrogance - it isn't all, or even mostly, about you!

I saw an article from Men's Fitness on Flipboard last night titled "Ten positions guaranteed to give her an orgasm every time" or something along those lines, and just have to blog a response to that. It seems to me typical male arrogance that it is up to a husband to "give" his wife an orgasm and creates some dangerous and potentially harmful stereotypes:

- it is all up to you as the man to "make" your wife orgasm. Well guess what, guys, it is ultimately not all about you. In fact, it is probably mainly not about you. Women's sexuality is a complex beast, involving multiple factors like emotions, hormones, body image, ingrained beliefs about sexuality from her childhood, fatigue, stress and a whole lot of other stuff. So leave your ego at the bedroom door. Be loving, be attentive, make foreplay an all day affair, and learn enough about technique and what your wife enjoys to give her every opportunity to orgasm, and then leave the rest up to her. If she is in the right mood and it happens for her, then great. If not, then try again tomorrow night. It does not make her, or you, a failure if she does not come every time. Few women do.

- it is all about technique. Not. See above! Making love is principally about intimacy, shared vulnerability and emotional connection, about becoming one, and without that the greatest technique in the world is not going to get your wife to orgasm. I do think you need to be averagely competent, so take the time to learn where your wife's clit is, how she likes it stimulated, whether she has a sensitive G spot and thus whether she is an 'internal' or 'external' orgasm type of woman, how much foreplay she needs, and how to make yourself last long enough during intercourse for her to be satisfied (assuming that she is physically able to orgasm from intercourse, which not all women are), but beyond that simple level of average competency, you risk it becoming more about your ego than her pleasure.

- it is all about position. Again, this focuses on the mechanical and not on the emotional. Some positions will work better than others for your wife, but there are no ten positions guaranteed to make her orgasm. And for women, it is often not all about the intensity of the orgasm anyway. C has a particularly sensitive G spot, so rear entry positions that hit the front wall of her vagina are physically very intense for her, but are ultimately not her favorite as they lack for her the physical and emotional intimacy of being face to face with me, and us being able to kiss, and look into each other's eyes and to hold each other.

- there is something 'wrong' with her if she can't orgasm. This is for me the most dangerous and destructive aspect of the mentioned article and headline. The suggestion that if you take their advice and use their suggested positions, and your wife does not orgasm, for any of the myriad of reasons referred to above, that she is broken or deficient in some way. There is SO much pressure on women sexually these days, to look like models and make love like porn stars, and have multiple, squirting orgasms at the drop of a hat, that it is a wonder than any women have any self-confidence left when it comes to the bedroom. Most, if not all, women are inherently insecure, and the thing they need most is affirmation, affirmation and more affirmation, not more positions or techniques to 'make' them come!