Friday, August 24, 2012

Ten confessions of a sex positive couple

There have been a number of posts on the various Christian marriage blogs recently from 'sex-positive' husbands and 'sex-positive' wives, so we thought we would throw in our five cents worth too, but that we should collaborate and do it as a couple. So here goes our '10 confessions from a sex-positive couple' written by Happy Hubby and Sensuous Wives:

1) We have only ever slept with each other.
We were lucky to meet when we were young, C was 19 and I was 22 when we started dating. Although we had both had previous fairly serious relationships, we do believe that God was saving us for each other. Since this is confession time, no, we didn't wait for our wedding night, but we do believe that being each other's only sexual partners has had a very positive effect on our intimate relationship, as we do not have past sexual hurts and never had to worry about being compared to previous lovers. We learned together pretty much everything we know about sex.

2) Sex has mostly been easy for us, and we have always had a lot of it - the childbearing years excluded!
C had tough pregnancies, with bad morning sickness, heartburn, bad hormonal headaches and episiotomies both times that left her very sensitive for a long time afterwards. She went overnight from being high drive to having no libido at all, and after the births from being easily multiply-orgasmic to really battling to climax through intercourse. It took her over a year after each birth to get her groove back, leaving me feeling very deprived for two years each time! My drive had not changed, I found her pregnant body massively sexy, and I was used to daily nookie, so I really battled. I'm not proud to say that I was very irritable and grumpy as a result, which no doubt didn't help. Luckily we did not give up and worked hard to get our intimate life back on track afterwards. Good friends told us "Don't worry, it gets better, don't give up" and that was great advice, as we believe that many couples do give up their intimate relationship in these years, and never recover, to the lasting detriment of their wider marriage relationship.

3) We used to fight, a lot, but sex kept us intimate
I read a lovely quote the other day that said "My marriage improved greatly when I stopped focussing on my needs and my wife's faults and started to focus instead on her needs and my faults". I think that we were both selfish in this regard when we were younger, and as a result our relationship was very tempestuous. Luckily for me, C never used sex as a weapon, and our intimate relationship was definitely a part of the glue that held us together in those early years.

4) We battled to conceive for five years
This was a tough and emotional time for us, with medication, operations, treatments, IVF, miscarriages, and lots more, but our close relationship with each other and the Lord enabled us to weather the trials while growing closer to each other and to Him instead of further apart. The downside was that sex became something of a chore after a while rather than something to look forward to. We were doing it every night because we had to, not because we wanted to, and it definitely wasn't always passionate. What we learned to do in the end was to take breaks every couple of months. By taking time out, and not 'trying' for a month or two every six months or so, we were able to make love again for no other reason than that we were in the mood. And in the end the Lord blessed us with two wonderful children, both conceived naturally!

5) We used to have different views on the need for variety in the bedroom, but have got past that now. See my recent Blog post on this topic "Variety is the spice of life!"

6) We are still learning new things, about ourselves and each other, and the sex just keeps getting better and better, both physically and emotionally.
A single friend asked me once "But don't you get bored making love to the same person year in and year out?" My answer, a resounding NO! C and I make love as often now as we did 18 years ago, and it is even more satisfying than it was then. We still keep discovering new tricks, and I love how C's body keeps changing in terms of what she enjoys. It keeps me on my toes as just when I think I have her sussed, the thing that has been driving her wild for the past six months is suddenly ticklish or irritating, and I have to start exploring all over again! For our first 15 years together, C loved being on top and that was our go-to standard position. In the past two years, she has discovered a preference  for the missionary position which we hardly ever used before. Go figure!

7) Our best sex tip? Use a good lubricant.
Even if you think you don't need it, trust us, it will be even better with it. It enhances sensation, allows you to make love for longer without discomfort, thus improving your wife's chances of reaching orgasm (or more orgasms), and prevents chafing or tearing by reducing friction, allowing you to be ready to make love sooner again afterwards. There are some great brands on the market these days, that are not sticky, don't leave any residue, last for ages, and don't taste too bad either! We use a water based lube in the bedroom (we like Shunga best), and a silicone based lube for in the jacuzzi or the shower as it doesn't wash off (we use Pjur).

8) 69 just doesn't work for us!
I am six foot and C is 5'2", enough said. But not for lack of trying. Plus C claims that she can't concentrate on two things at the same time! I guess the message is to do what is good for you and don't feel guilty about the rest - we get far too caught up in judging ourselves against what we read in rhe latest bestselling trilogy and watch in the latest blockbuster - the 'Hollywood myth' of idealized sex that we all feel the need to aspire to. This is where porn is so damaging and creates such unrealistic expectations for so many couples.

9) Toys can be fun.
Refer 5 and 6 above! We have only discovered this in the last three years or so, and only use them occasionally, but they are great for variety. I get great pleasure from pleasuring my wife, and I love using a toy on her and observing her response. Happy's Tip: select a toy based on whether your wife is most responsive to internal (G spot) or external (Clitoral) stimulation, and as for 7 above, always use a good lube. C's Tip: you can use your toy on your man too; just hold it still against the sensitive spot at the base of the head of his penis for a very novel sensation!

10) Intimacy is our ministry.
We want others to experience the oneness that true intimacy can bring. Three years ago C and a like minded friend opened Sensuous, a women only intimacy boutique aimed principally at Christian wives, run by wives and mothers that their customers could identify with. This has since grown into a wider ministry, presenting talks and courses on marriage and intimacy to churches, women's groups and women's functions and events. Happy Hubby is the male alter ego of Sensuous Wives.