Speaking to young married Christian couples, it is apparent to me that even among Christian youth, sexual mores before marriage are different now to what they were when I was a teenager and a twenty-something. Which got me to thinking about how sexual experiences have changed over the past 40 or 50 years.
The 60's and 70's were a generation of 'free-love' and currently the 'hook-up' culture seems prevalent among the youth. I'm not sure how to classify the 80's and early 90's when I was growing up and discovering my sexuality, and the limits of what I as a Christian was comfortable doing sexually before marriage, but I suspect that this time period was somewhat more conservative than the periods before and after it (though I'm not sure why this was).
The particular items that come to mind for me when I compare the current environment to what I grew up with include:
- ease of access to pornography. I was first exposed to pornography around 17 years' old, on grainy videotape, but with the internet, smart phones and cable, children are now generally exposed to porn in their pre-teens or even earlier. This has a profound effect on their early sexuality and often a profound negative impact on their understanding of and expectations for a normal and healthy intimate relationship with their spouse.
- views on oral sex. In my day, oral sex was viewed almost on a par with intercourse. Pre Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, sexual relations included intercourse and oral sex! Nowadays, it seems that oral sex is regarded as more akin to kissing. In fact, I have even heard it said that teenage girls regard giving oral sex as less intimate an act than kissing!
- hook-up culture. I kissed my fair share of girls in my youth, not all of whom I was seriously dating at the time, but that was generally as far as it went. These days it seems that our society is far more permissive in its view of what is acceptable within a casual hook-up or fling. As a result, young married couples, including many Christian couples, come into marriage more sexually experienced, but also with more sexual baggage and potentially sexual hurts that they need to deal with.
Alongside preaching to our teens and to young dating couples the value of waiting for marriage to explore intimacy together, we also need to be aware of the reality for many of them, and to be able to deal with the sexual issues that they bring into marriage. I suspect that it also means that we need to start speaking to our pre-teens much earlier than we think about issues like pornography, mutual masturbation and oral sex.
To gather some data to see whether my perceptions above are valid, and whether other trends are also evident, I have designed a short 5 question survey. Once I have sufficient data, I will blog the results and an analysis of the changing trends across recent generations. To be able to do so, however, I need a good spread of respondents of various ages, from late teens and newly weds to those that grew up in the 60's. And ideally also a good spread of men and women.
Please take 5 minutes to complete the survey using the link below:
HTTPS://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7D3ZC7K
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Results of survey - how long sex lasts (2/2)
This is the second part of feedback from the survey looking at how long sex lasts. The first part looked at how long couples typically spend making love, while this blog examines the findings relating to how long husbands and wives respectively take to orgasm from different types of stimulation.
The premise of the survey, and the original blog post that introduced it, is that there is a wide range of experiences and no 'normal'. Although there are trends evident from the data below, it is important to look at the wide range of responses on either side of the most common response. Almost all the categories show a normal distribution on either side of the mean. So, for example, where the largest group of wife respondents who can orgasm that way indicated that it usually takes them 5-10 minutes to orgasm from intercourse, there is also a significant percentage that take 10-15 minutes and 15-20 minutes, and on the other side a significant percentage that take 3-5 minutes and 2-3 minutes. Each couples experience will be unique.
163 husbands and 97 wives responded to the survey at the cut-off date, giving 260 respondents in total. But each respondent answered for them and their spouse, so effectively we have responses for 260 husbands and for 260 wives.
Orgasm from intercourse
A significant number of wife respondents (70 of the 260) are unable to orgasm from intercourse, and require other forms of stimulation to reach climax.
If we look at just those able to orgasm from intercourse, then a clear trend becomes evident, that on average, husbands orgasm from intercourse quicker than wives. The largest group of husbands indicated that it takes them 3-5 minutes to orgasm from intercourse, and almost as large a group orgasm within 2-3 minutes. A significant number of husbands orgasm within 1-2 minutes.
The largest group of wife respondents on the other hand indicate that it takes them 5-10 minutes to orgasm from intercourse. Almost as significant a group take 15-20 minutes.
I do wonder whether the large number of wife respondents who cannot orgasm from intercourse maybe have husbands who orgasm too quickly for them, thus denying them the extent of stimulation that they require to reach orgasm in this way.
A potential technique to manage this mismatch for those couples who do experience it, is to stimulate the wife in other ways first until she is close to orgasm or until she has orgasmed already, before commencing intercourse. Once a women has orgasmed, she reverts to an 'orgasmic plateau' just below the threshold of orgasm, from where it is possible for her to reach orgasm again more quickly and easily.
The graph above just converts the bar graph to a line graph, which makes the trend and the differential more obvious.
Orgasm from a vibrator
Fewer respondents than I expected use a vibrator. Of the 260 respondents, 144 of the wives and 220 husbands do not orgasm using a vibrator. For wives who battle to orgasm from intercourse or other forms of stimulation, a vibrator can provide a useful and fairly easy path to orgasm. Some wives can only orgasm with the help of a vibrator. When used together by couples, they can be an integral part of a loving and intimate sexual relationship.
The graph above looks only at those respondents that do use sex toys. The one below shows the same thing, but as a line graph. These graphs show that it takes husbands and wives very similar lengths of time to orgasm using a vibrator, ie 3-5 minutes. Many wives orgasm from clitoral stimulation rather than vaginal or G-Spot stimulation, and thus a vibrator which provides more direct clitoral stimulation gives these wives a quicker route to orgasm than intercourse. If we compare intercourse above to the vibrator responses here, the time for the largest group of wives to orgasm goes from 5-10 minutes to 3-5 minutes.
For those men that have never tried it, and are wondering how a husband can orgasm with a vibrator, the easiest way is just to hold the tip of the vibrator against the underside of the head of the erect penis. It take a bit of patience, as the sensation can start off seeming like not much, but it then kicks up in intensity pretty quickly, and can give a very different orgasm. Men's orgasms are pretty much all about friction, and an orgasm that does not result from friction can be a novel experience.
Orgasm from manual stimulation
If we exclude those that do not orgasm from manual stimulation, in the graph below, then it is interesting to see that the largest group of male and female respondents take the same time to reach orgasm, namely 5-10 minutes. Again, as noted in the introduction to this blog post, the distribution of responses is normal around this mean, and shows a wide distribution of responses, from 1-2 minutes through to over 20 minutes, for both husbands and wives.
The same graph converted to a line graph, shows this correlation even more clearly. Husbands are distributed slightly towards the faster end of the scale, and wives slightly towards the longer end.
Orgasm from masturbating
A large number of the wife respondents (124/260) and a surprising number of the husbands (58/260) do not masturbate, or do not orgasm from masturbating.
For those that do orgasm from masturbating, the husbands on average orgasm faster than the wives. The largest group of husband respondents orgasm in 2-3 minutes, while the bulk of the wives are spread pretty evenly over the 2-3 minute, 3-5 minute and 5-10 minute categories.
Orgasm from oral sex
Again, a fairly large percentage of the husbands and wives that responded to the survey do not orgasm from oral sex. This does not mean that they do not have oral sex, for example as foreplay but not to the point of orgasm, but just that they do not orgasm from this. This is the way that the question was asked.
Interestingly, when it comes to oral sex, the experience of husbands and wives is very similar. In both cases, the largest group of respondents indicated that they orgasm within 5-10 minutes and the second largest group within 3-5 minutes. The line graph below shows this clearly. Again, on average, the husbands are marginally faster than the wives, but not significantly.
Number of orgasms in a typical lovemaking session
Unsurprisingly, the vast majority of husbands orgasm only once in a typical session. But husbands do typically orgasm. 10% of wives do not typically orgasm. The majority of wives orgasm once, while a fairly significant percentage (34%) typically orgasm 2 or more times. The survey did not explore how the orgasms are achieved.
Simultaneous orgasms
There was a wide spread of responses to this question, with the responses being almost evenly distributed amongst the various options. Simultaneous orgasms are, however, clearly not the norm, whatever Hollywood would like to have us believe.
Lubricant
Again, the responses here showed a wide variation. I would encourage everyone to use lube, every time, even if you think you do not need it. It adds markedly to the experience, in terms of comfort and sensation, and provides protection against chafing for both partners' sensitive bits, especially if your lovemaking is physically intense or goes on for a while. Also, a silicone based lube is great for making love in the shower, pool or hot-tub, where the water would otherwise dissolve and wash away the natural feminine lubrication.
Conclusion
While the above statistics are interesting, I must stress again that everyone is different, and that there are a wide range of responses on either side of the averages above.
Also, I have not yet analysed in any detail, the differences between individual married spouses - ie in the 260 couples comprising the respondents there will be couples that are perfectly matched and couples that are widely mismatched in terms of the time that it takes them to orgasm with different forms of stimulation.
This most often causes challenges when it comes to intercourse. A number of husbands orgasm within 3 minutes or less of commencing intercourse, which can be a challenge if their wives require 10-15 minutes of penetration to orgasm in this way. This can be managed, however, and many couples learn how to do this effectively, either by bringing the wife to orgasm first through other forms of stimulation, or through engaging in sufficient foreplay to have the wife close to orgasm before they commence intercourse, so that she does not require much additional stimulation to reach orgasm, or by adding additional stimulation during intercourse, such as applying a small vibrator to the clitoris, or through engaging in additional other forms of stimulation after the husband has had his orgasm, in order to ensure that his wife is also satisfied.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Results of survey - How Long Sex Lasts (1/2)
First of all, apologies that the results of this survey have been so long coming. The way I set-up the survey made it difficult for me to separate the husband and wife responses for some of the questions, and it took me a while to figure out how best to resolve this. I have done that now, but have in the end decided to split the results into two separate posts anyway, this first one for the more generic questions, and then a second and separate post for the bits comparing the relative times that it takes husbands and wives to orgasm from different forms of stimulation.
The survey was very well supported with 264 respondents at the cutoff date. Of these, 166 (63%) were husbands and 96 (37%) were wives, so we have good representation from each gender. The age of respondents, and the length of time for which they have been married also showed a good spread, as can be seen from the graphs below, and means that we can draw reliable conclusions from the data presented.
The first questions in the survey explored how many times per week couples typically make love, and how many times per week this typically leads to having full intercourse. The average in both cases is 2 times per week, which was also the most selected category.
Over 20% of respondents make love less than once per week, and in retrospect I should have provided more options to explore this further, ie how many are less than once per month, etc.
Very few of the respondents (<5% in total) make love more than 4 times per week, and those that do fall into this category are strongly correlated with the newlyweds in the sample.
When it comes to foreplay, there was again a wide range of responses, but 3-15 minutes accounts for 67% of the responses. 6-10 minutes was the most common response and the mathematical average comes in just over that at 11 minutes.
The length of time spent on intercourse also shows a wide distribution. My rationale behind this survey was to show that there is no normal, but rather a wide distribution, and that what many couples think is the normal, based on conditioning they have grown up with from the media and porn, is actually well outside the range of most couples' actual reality. I think that the data bears that out.
The average time spent in penetrative intercourse is 7mins. 79% of couples fall into the ten minutes or less categories, with 29% of couples in the less than 4 minutes range and 50% of couples in the 4 to 10 minute range. Not many men can tolerate more than 10 minutes of uninterrupted stimulation from penetration without climaxing, and many women would become chaffed and uncomfortable were they to try! The idea that couples can go for half an hour or more is another myth fostered by porn (and clever editing splicing a number of takes together to make it look like one uninterrupted scene).
The majority of couples use 1 to 2 positions in a typical lovemaking session, and a fair percentage use 3. Interestingly for me, 2 positions came out slightly ahead of one as the most common, at over 40% of respondents.
The last batch of questions explored how couples would classify the nature and spread of their lovemaking, in terms of the percentage of sessions that they would classify as (1) a quicky for just one of them, (2) a quicky for both of them, (3) a 'normal' session, and (4) a long, romantic, 'moonlight and roses' session.
The data shows that many couples (over 50%) never, or very rarely, have a quicky to pleasure just one of them, or even for both of them. Between 20-30% of couples never have quickies at all, and a further 30-40% have then less than 20% of the time. I think I will have to devote a future blog post to the joy and benefit of quickies!
Interestingly, for those that do have quickies, it is more common to have them for the benefit of both couples, than as an opportunity for the one to quickly pleasure the other. I would have expected this to be the other way around, for example as in the case of a wife orally or manually pleasuring her husband when she is on her period or otherwise not in the mood for a full session of intercourse.
Also worth noting, is that 10% of respondents have a quicky for just one of them 60% of the time or more. This suggests couples with markedly different sex drives where the lower drive spouse offers a quicky to bring relief to their higher drive partner.
As expected, a 'normal' session is just that, with 64% having a normal session more than 60% of the time.
The hectic pace of modern life is very evident though in the exceptionally low percentage of time devoted to long, romantic, 'candlelight, wine and roses' lovemaking sessions. 30% of couples never do this, a further 50% do it less than 20% of the time, and only 4% do it 40% of the time or more. Just as there is a role in a healthy sexual relationship for quickies, I think we should make more effort to devote an extended period to at least one lovemaking session per week, or even per month. Taking the time to plan by stocking up on candles and massage oil, to connect over a bubble bath or glass of wine, to indulge in extended foreplay or a massage and then to take time pleasuring each other and cuddling afterwards expresses in a profound way the importance that we attach to our spouse and our intimate relationship, and is a worthwhile investment from time to time.
The survey was very well supported with 264 respondents at the cutoff date. Of these, 166 (63%) were husbands and 96 (37%) were wives, so we have good representation from each gender. The age of respondents, and the length of time for which they have been married also showed a good spread, as can be seen from the graphs below, and means that we can draw reliable conclusions from the data presented.
The first questions in the survey explored how many times per week couples typically make love, and how many times per week this typically leads to having full intercourse. The average in both cases is 2 times per week, which was also the most selected category.
Over 20% of respondents make love less than once per week, and in retrospect I should have provided more options to explore this further, ie how many are less than once per month, etc.
Very few of the respondents (<5% in total) make love more than 4 times per week, and those that do fall into this category are strongly correlated with the newlyweds in the sample.
The two graphs above also show that the overwhelming majority of lovemaking episodes culminate in full intercourse. I have plotted the 2 series above on the same graph below to illustrate this further - the correlation is very evident.
The next series of questions explored the length of time that couples typically spend making love. First up, how long a typical lovemaking session lasts, start to finish. There was a wide and fairly even distribution of responses to this question, with the 11 - 30 minutes range accounting for over 65% of the responses.
When it comes to foreplay, there was again a wide range of responses, but 3-15 minutes accounts for 67% of the responses. 6-10 minutes was the most common response and the mathematical average comes in just over that at 11 minutes.
The length of time spent on intercourse also shows a wide distribution. My rationale behind this survey was to show that there is no normal, but rather a wide distribution, and that what many couples think is the normal, based on conditioning they have grown up with from the media and porn, is actually well outside the range of most couples' actual reality. I think that the data bears that out.
The average time spent in penetrative intercourse is 7mins. 79% of couples fall into the ten minutes or less categories, with 29% of couples in the less than 4 minutes range and 50% of couples in the 4 to 10 minute range. Not many men can tolerate more than 10 minutes of uninterrupted stimulation from penetration without climaxing, and many women would become chaffed and uncomfortable were they to try! The idea that couples can go for half an hour or more is another myth fostered by porn (and clever editing splicing a number of takes together to make it look like one uninterrupted scene).
The majority of couples use 1 to 2 positions in a typical lovemaking session, and a fair percentage use 3. Interestingly for me, 2 positions came out slightly ahead of one as the most common, at over 40% of respondents.
The last batch of questions explored how couples would classify the nature and spread of their lovemaking, in terms of the percentage of sessions that they would classify as (1) a quicky for just one of them, (2) a quicky for both of them, (3) a 'normal' session, and (4) a long, romantic, 'moonlight and roses' session.
The data shows that many couples (over 50%) never, or very rarely, have a quicky to pleasure just one of them, or even for both of them. Between 20-30% of couples never have quickies at all, and a further 30-40% have then less than 20% of the time. I think I will have to devote a future blog post to the joy and benefit of quickies!
Interestingly, for those that do have quickies, it is more common to have them for the benefit of both couples, than as an opportunity for the one to quickly pleasure the other. I would have expected this to be the other way around, for example as in the case of a wife orally or manually pleasuring her husband when she is on her period or otherwise not in the mood for a full session of intercourse.
Also worth noting, is that 10% of respondents have a quicky for just one of them 60% of the time or more. This suggests couples with markedly different sex drives where the lower drive spouse offers a quicky to bring relief to their higher drive partner.
As expected, a 'normal' session is just that, with 64% having a normal session more than 60% of the time.
The hectic pace of modern life is very evident though in the exceptionally low percentage of time devoted to long, romantic, 'candlelight, wine and roses' lovemaking sessions. 30% of couples never do this, a further 50% do it less than 20% of the time, and only 4% do it 40% of the time or more. Just as there is a role in a healthy sexual relationship for quickies, I think we should make more effort to devote an extended period to at least one lovemaking session per week, or even per month. Taking the time to plan by stocking up on candles and massage oil, to connect over a bubble bath or glass of wine, to indulge in extended foreplay or a massage and then to take time pleasuring each other and cuddling afterwards expresses in a profound way the importance that we attach to our spouse and our intimate relationship, and is a worthwhile investment from time to time.
The other questions in the survey explored the relative time that it takes husbands and wives to reach orgasm from different forms of stimulation, and I am working on a separate blog post to cover those issues.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
How long sex lasts
For most couples today, especially Christian couples who have not been promiscuous before marriage, the 'ideal' against which they judge themselves sexually is unfortunately built around a combination of their exposure to sexual scenes in a combination of Hollywood blockbusters and Porn. The reality is that neither provides a realistic basis for comparison and unfortunately leaves many couples feeling that they are abnormal or inadequate and that they (of worse, their spouse) are failing to live up to what they mistakenly believe to be 'normal'.
In reality, loving sex in a longstanding, monogamous marriage is not beautifully choreographed and does not result in simultaneous orgasms after mere moments like in a Hollywood romance, nor does it require the husband to be able to thrust away mercilessly for 20 minutes or more in a wide variety of exotic positions like in Porn.
While there is no 'normal' or 'abnormal', but rather just what works for you as a couple, I think that many couples will benefit from an understanding of what many Christian couples similar to themselves regard as their 'typical' sexual encounter.
The reality is that the 'average' man climaxes within 3 minutes of commencing intercourse, and the 'average' wife can quite normally require 15-20 minutes or more of stimulation to reach her climax. Within that average, there is a wide standard deviation, with some wives able to orgasm within a minute or two of penetration if sufficiently aroused beforehand, and others unable to orgasm at all from penetration alone no matter how aroused they are or how long their husband is able to continue thrusting.
While many men conditioned by exposure to porn believe that they are not 'manly' enough if they cannot delay their climax and sustain an erection long enough to be able to continue intercourse for 20 minutes or more, in our experience C would be chafed dry and raw and be very unimpressed if it took me that long to climax, no matter how much lube we employed!
So, in an effort to debunk the Hollywood and Porn myths, and to provide comfort to couples that they do indeed fall into the very wide band that is 'normal' when it comes to marital intimacy, I have designed a survey to gather data on how long foreplay and intercourse 'typically' lasts.
I would love to get 200 or more responses to the 20 questions in my survey, to provide some statistical validity for the findings, which I will share and analyse in a follow-on blog post, so please help me out and complete the attached survey, which is designed to be suitable for both husbands and wives:
HTTPS://www.surveymonkey.com/s/QG9D7W3
In reality, loving sex in a longstanding, monogamous marriage is not beautifully choreographed and does not result in simultaneous orgasms after mere moments like in a Hollywood romance, nor does it require the husband to be able to thrust away mercilessly for 20 minutes or more in a wide variety of exotic positions like in Porn.
While there is no 'normal' or 'abnormal', but rather just what works for you as a couple, I think that many couples will benefit from an understanding of what many Christian couples similar to themselves regard as their 'typical' sexual encounter.
The reality is that the 'average' man climaxes within 3 minutes of commencing intercourse, and the 'average' wife can quite normally require 15-20 minutes or more of stimulation to reach her climax. Within that average, there is a wide standard deviation, with some wives able to orgasm within a minute or two of penetration if sufficiently aroused beforehand, and others unable to orgasm at all from penetration alone no matter how aroused they are or how long their husband is able to continue thrusting.
While many men conditioned by exposure to porn believe that they are not 'manly' enough if they cannot delay their climax and sustain an erection long enough to be able to continue intercourse for 20 minutes or more, in our experience C would be chafed dry and raw and be very unimpressed if it took me that long to climax, no matter how much lube we employed!
So, in an effort to debunk the Hollywood and Porn myths, and to provide comfort to couples that they do indeed fall into the very wide band that is 'normal' when it comes to marital intimacy, I have designed a survey to gather data on how long foreplay and intercourse 'typically' lasts.
I would love to get 200 or more responses to the 20 questions in my survey, to provide some statistical validity for the findings, which I will share and analyse in a follow-on blog post, so please help me out and complete the attached survey, which is designed to be suitable for both husbands and wives:
HTTPS://www.surveymonkey.com/s/QG9D7W3
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Survey - Reduced Penile Sensitivity
One of my previous Blog posts, 'The Angle of his Dangle' continues to get a lot of hits, so it seems there is an interest in posts addressing issues around mens' sexual health. I have been catching up on my reading over the holidays, and have read a couple of very interesting articles on 'Reduced Penile Sensitivity' or RPS. As input to a planned Blog post on RPS, I have designed a short survey to collect some data from my readership to incorporate into the article. Please complete it for me:
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/CWRF8SQ\
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/CWRF8SQ\
Monday, October 14, 2013
Best sex tip we've received
Best sex tip we've ever had? When we were going through the baby and toddler years, and were really struggling with the marked change for the worse in our intimate relationship, another sex positive couple from our small group, a couple of years older than us, told us 'just hang in there, don't give up, it will get better if you just stick with it', and that was the right encouragement, at the right time, for us to keep making an effort.
We had to schedule weekly sessions for a while, and C was uncomfortable and battled to orgasm for almost a year each time after nasty episiotomies, but in time it did get better, and now, after 16 years of marriage, we are having as much sex as we ever have, and it is as good, if not better, than it has ever been (so, Miley, as an aside, your theory about life being over at 40 is way off base!).
In our counseling, we come across too many couples who eventually just gave up in the child rearing years of their marriage. It became easier to just not try, than to deal with the emotional issues that come with this change in the dynamics of their intimate relationship, and the result is that either the husband has put up a wall to protect himself from the feelings of rejection, or the wife has put up a wall to protect herself from the feelings of inadequacy and guilt, or both have withdrawn, and this becomes a lasting pattern, that is very hard to come back from. Many never do, and resort to being parents, and maybe friends, but no longer lovers.
So rather tough it out, schedule Thursday night nookie in your diaries, have a glass of wine, break out the lube (our other favourite tip), deal with the leaky boobs, do your kegels and even if it is not the greatest sex you have ever had, see it as an investment that will return great dividends in years to come.
And give yourself enough time, as much as you need. Cilla Lee, from the popular HTB Marriage Course, reckons that it took her until her youngest child was 2 years old before her body, hormones and libido were fully recovered from the years of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and lack of sleep. Husbands, you may need to find deep reserves of patience, and wives don't feel guilty or abnormal if you are not 'back to normal' within 6 months, let alone the oft touted 6 weeks!
Finally, find a couple in your church that you trust and that you are comfortable speaking to about intimate issues, and ask for their counsel when you need it. We are eternally greatful that we had such a couple at a tough time in our marriage.
We had to schedule weekly sessions for a while, and C was uncomfortable and battled to orgasm for almost a year each time after nasty episiotomies, but in time it did get better, and now, after 16 years of marriage, we are having as much sex as we ever have, and it is as good, if not better, than it has ever been (so, Miley, as an aside, your theory about life being over at 40 is way off base!).
In our counseling, we come across too many couples who eventually just gave up in the child rearing years of their marriage. It became easier to just not try, than to deal with the emotional issues that come with this change in the dynamics of their intimate relationship, and the result is that either the husband has put up a wall to protect himself from the feelings of rejection, or the wife has put up a wall to protect herself from the feelings of inadequacy and guilt, or both have withdrawn, and this becomes a lasting pattern, that is very hard to come back from. Many never do, and resort to being parents, and maybe friends, but no longer lovers.
So rather tough it out, schedule Thursday night nookie in your diaries, have a glass of wine, break out the lube (our other favourite tip), deal with the leaky boobs, do your kegels and even if it is not the greatest sex you have ever had, see it as an investment that will return great dividends in years to come.
And give yourself enough time, as much as you need. Cilla Lee, from the popular HTB Marriage Course, reckons that it took her until her youngest child was 2 years old before her body, hormones and libido were fully recovered from the years of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and lack of sleep. Husbands, you may need to find deep reserves of patience, and wives don't feel guilty or abnormal if you are not 'back to normal' within 6 months, let alone the oft touted 6 weeks!
Finally, find a couple in your church that you trust and that you are comfortable speaking to about intimate issues, and ask for their counsel when you need it. We are eternally greatful that we had such a couple at a tough time in our marriage.
Monday, August 12, 2013
The link between marital and sexual satisfaction - and how this differs by gender
The results of the latest 'Happy Hubby' survey are in, and while there were fewer people than usual who completed the survey (summer holidays?), the respondents included a good spread in terms of their gender, age, years married and with and without young children in the home, so I think my results are valid. And they do support the hypothesis that I was testing, that men and women have a very different psychology when it comes to the relationship between sexual and marital fulfillment.
Broadly put, for the majority of the wives who responded, their degree of satisfaction with their overall marriage relationship directly influenced their sexual relationship with their spouse.
For the majority of the husbands on the other hand, their degree of satisfaction with their sexual relationship directly influenced their overall marriage relationship.
What then is the take-away from this? Simply put,
- Wives, if you want to improve your overall marriage relationship with your husband, then give adequate attention to his needs in the bedroom, and
- Husbands, if you want to improve your sexual relationship with your wife, then give adequate attention to your marriage outside of the bedroom.
It seems that the old adage holds true: "Women need to feel loved to want sex, and husbands need sex to feel loved."
(I know that there are wives who are the higher drive in their relationship, and for whom a lack of adequate intimacy is negatively impacting their overall marriage relationship, so the above is a broad generalization, but like most generalizations, it will hold true for many couples.)
To give the supporting data from which I drew the above conclusions:
I asked respondents to choose the best option from a choice of 4 alternatives:
- My level of satisfaction with my overall marriage relationship positively influences my intimate relationship with my spouse.
- My level of satisfaction with my overall marriage relationship negatively influences my intimate relationship with my spouse.
- My level of satisfaction with my intimate relationship with my spouse positively influences my overall relationship with my spouse.
- My level of satisfaction with my intimate relationship with my spouse negatively influences my overall relationship with my spouse.
The male respondents overwhelmingly (75.6%) selected the third and fourth options, showing that their take on their intimate relationship with their spouse impacts their overall marriage relationship, more than vice versa.
The female respondents on the other hand primarily (60%) selected the first and second options, showing that their take on their overall marriage relationship impacts their desire to be intimate with their spouse, more than vice versa.
Other stats from the feedback for the stats junkies (like me!) out there -
The respondents on the whole rated their satisfaction with their overall marriage relationship high, at an average 8.04 out of 10 (Wives 7.53 and Husbands 8.24).
Overall satisfaction with their sex life rated lower, at only 6.46 out of 10 (Wives 6.73 and Husbands 6.35).
Satisfaction with the frequency of sex rated lower still, at 5.98 (Wives 5.73 and Husbands 6.08).
The average number of times that respondents are intimate is just over 2 times per week. The distribution varies quite widely, however, with:
23% of respondents intimate less than once per week,
21% intimate once per week,
17% intimate 2 times and another 17% 3 times per week,
14% 4 times per week,
4% 5 times per week and another 4% 6 times per week.
Overall satisfaction with the quality of intimate encounters was pleasingly high, at an average of 7.21 out of 10 (Wives 7.33 and Husbands 7.16). A full 43% of respondents (46% of Wives and 40% of Husbands) scored this question a 9 or 10 out of 10! The lower score for the overall level of satisfaction with intimacy thus seems to relate more to quantity than to quality, and should thus be quite easy to fix!
Broadly put, for the majority of the wives who responded, their degree of satisfaction with their overall marriage relationship directly influenced their sexual relationship with their spouse.
For the majority of the husbands on the other hand, their degree of satisfaction with their sexual relationship directly influenced their overall marriage relationship.
What then is the take-away from this? Simply put,
- Wives, if you want to improve your overall marriage relationship with your husband, then give adequate attention to his needs in the bedroom, and
- Husbands, if you want to improve your sexual relationship with your wife, then give adequate attention to your marriage outside of the bedroom.
It seems that the old adage holds true: "Women need to feel loved to want sex, and husbands need sex to feel loved."
(I know that there are wives who are the higher drive in their relationship, and for whom a lack of adequate intimacy is negatively impacting their overall marriage relationship, so the above is a broad generalization, but like most generalizations, it will hold true for many couples.)
To give the supporting data from which I drew the above conclusions:
I asked respondents to choose the best option from a choice of 4 alternatives:
- My level of satisfaction with my overall marriage relationship positively influences my intimate relationship with my spouse.
- My level of satisfaction with my overall marriage relationship negatively influences my intimate relationship with my spouse.
- My level of satisfaction with my intimate relationship with my spouse positively influences my overall relationship with my spouse.
- My level of satisfaction with my intimate relationship with my spouse negatively influences my overall relationship with my spouse.
The male respondents overwhelmingly (75.6%) selected the third and fourth options, showing that their take on their intimate relationship with their spouse impacts their overall marriage relationship, more than vice versa.
The female respondents on the other hand primarily (60%) selected the first and second options, showing that their take on their overall marriage relationship impacts their desire to be intimate with their spouse, more than vice versa.
Other stats from the feedback for the stats junkies (like me!) out there -
The respondents on the whole rated their satisfaction with their overall marriage relationship high, at an average 8.04 out of 10 (Wives 7.53 and Husbands 8.24).
Overall satisfaction with their sex life rated lower, at only 6.46 out of 10 (Wives 6.73 and Husbands 6.35).
Satisfaction with the frequency of sex rated lower still, at 5.98 (Wives 5.73 and Husbands 6.08).
The average number of times that respondents are intimate is just over 2 times per week. The distribution varies quite widely, however, with:
23% of respondents intimate less than once per week,
21% intimate once per week,
17% intimate 2 times and another 17% 3 times per week,
14% 4 times per week,
4% 5 times per week and another 4% 6 times per week.
Overall satisfaction with the quality of intimate encounters was pleasingly high, at an average of 7.21 out of 10 (Wives 7.33 and Husbands 7.16). A full 43% of respondents (46% of Wives and 40% of Husbands) scored this question a 9 or 10 out of 10! The lower score for the overall level of satisfaction with intimacy thus seems to relate more to quantity than to quality, and should thus be quite easy to fix!
Friday, July 26, 2013
Follow-up post: Reader question - is masturbation within marriage a sin?
A reader has asked whether masturbation within marriage is sinful, following my Blog post of earlier this week - 'An intimate gift for Hubby'
My view on this issue is as follows:
The scriptures are silent on the topic of masturbation, with no explicit or analogous references to the practice. Genesis 38: 3-10, the Sin of Onan, is sometimes claimed to purport that masturbation is sinful, but this interpretation is incorrect. After Onan's brother Er was slain by God, his father Judah told him to fulfill his duty as a brother-in-law to Tamar, by giving her offspring. However, when Onan had sex with Tamar, he withdrew before climax and "spilled his seed [or semen] on the ground", since any child born would not legally be considered his heir. So God slew him. His sin was therefore not the spilling of his seed, but rather his disobedience to God by refusing to fulfil his obligations under the law - he was happy to have intercourse with Tamar, but he refused to allow her to become pregnant.
We thus need to apply our own judgement in deciding whether masturbation is an acceptable practice.
My view is that for married couples, masturbation is harmful where it negatively impacts your intimate relationship with your spouse, for example where associated with the use of porn, where you would rather masturbate than make love with your spouse, or where excessive masturbation takes away your ability to make love with your spouse.
Masturbation involving your spouse, for example masturbating together, watching each other masturbate, sharing phone or FaceTime sex when separated by work or other travel commitments, etc is not in my view sinful or harmful to your intimate relationship. Rather the opposite, it can be very arousing.
A slightly more contentious area is married people masturbating without their spouse involved. My view here is that this is again okay where it does not negatively impact your intimate relationship with your spouse, as described above, where it does not involve the use of porn, where any accompanying fantasies are of your spouse and are not prompted by lusting after someone else, and where your spouse knows about and is comfortable with the practice.
Related Blog posts:
Talking to your children about masturbation
An intimate gift for hubby
My view on this issue is as follows:
The scriptures are silent on the topic of masturbation, with no explicit or analogous references to the practice. Genesis 38: 3-10, the Sin of Onan, is sometimes claimed to purport that masturbation is sinful, but this interpretation is incorrect. After Onan's brother Er was slain by God, his father Judah told him to fulfill his duty as a brother-in-law to Tamar, by giving her offspring. However, when Onan had sex with Tamar, he withdrew before climax and "spilled his seed [or semen] on the ground", since any child born would not legally be considered his heir. So God slew him. His sin was therefore not the spilling of his seed, but rather his disobedience to God by refusing to fulfil his obligations under the law - he was happy to have intercourse with Tamar, but he refused to allow her to become pregnant.
We thus need to apply our own judgement in deciding whether masturbation is an acceptable practice.
My view is that for married couples, masturbation is harmful where it negatively impacts your intimate relationship with your spouse, for example where associated with the use of porn, where you would rather masturbate than make love with your spouse, or where excessive masturbation takes away your ability to make love with your spouse.
Masturbation involving your spouse, for example masturbating together, watching each other masturbate, sharing phone or FaceTime sex when separated by work or other travel commitments, etc is not in my view sinful or harmful to your intimate relationship. Rather the opposite, it can be very arousing.
A slightly more contentious area is married people masturbating without their spouse involved. My view here is that this is again okay where it does not negatively impact your intimate relationship with your spouse, as described above, where it does not involve the use of porn, where any accompanying fantasies are of your spouse and are not prompted by lusting after someone else, and where your spouse knows about and is comfortable with the practice.
Related Blog posts:
Talking to your children about masturbation
An intimate gift for hubby
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
An intimate gift for Hubby
Wives, if you want to give Hubby a really intimate and special treat, allow him to watch you masturbate, all the way to orgasm. But if you are going to do this, then you can't be self-conscious; if you are shy, as many women understandably are about being watched, close your eyes, pretend you are alone, go to your happy place, and go for it just as you would if you were on your own.
When C does this for me, I don't want her to put on a show, or to try and act like an over the top porn acctress, I want her to allow me in to her private world to share how she truly likes to pleasure herself - I want her to do it for me the way she does it for her, and not the way she might think I want to see.
A nice ancillary bonus, wives, is that he will likely learn quite a bit about how you like to be touched, and how this changes as you approach and reach orgasm.
And husbands, if your wife is willing to do this for you, accept her gift with the gravitas that it deserves - this is an intensely private part of her that she has likely never shared with anyone before, and she is really opening herself up, and making herself totally vulnerable by doing this for you. It is an ultimate expression of Trust and Intimacy for her, and should be treated accordingly. You can't pressure her to do this, it is a gift that must be freely given. And if it is, then watch quietly, and respectfully, learn what you can, and afterwards take her in your arms, snuggle, and thank her appropriately.
When C does this for me, I don't want her to put on a show, or to try and act like an over the top porn acctress, I want her to allow me in to her private world to share how she truly likes to pleasure herself - I want her to do it for me the way she does it for her, and not the way she might think I want to see.
A nice ancillary bonus, wives, is that he will likely learn quite a bit about how you like to be touched, and how this changes as you approach and reach orgasm.
And husbands, if your wife is willing to do this for you, accept her gift with the gravitas that it deserves - this is an intensely private part of her that she has likely never shared with anyone before, and she is really opening herself up, and making herself totally vulnerable by doing this for you. It is an ultimate expression of Trust and Intimacy for her, and should be treated accordingly. You can't pressure her to do this, it is a gift that must be freely given. And if it is, then watch quietly, and respectfully, learn what you can, and afterwards take her in your arms, snuggle, and thank her appropriately.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Angle of his Dangle - Survey Results
This is a follow-on to my previous blog post, summarizing the results of the penis survey included in that post.
127 respondents completed the survey. Of those 71% were men and 29% were wives answering for their husbands. The respondents were primarily in the 25-44 year old age group (74%) with 6% being younger than 25 and the remaining 20% older than 44.
86% of respondents are circumcised. Interestingly, the circumcision rate in the US has been falling steadily over the years, with only 56% of baby boys now circumcised in the US overall (although this varies widely by state, with 2007 data showing 15 states with rates over 75% and 5 states with rates below 25%). In Europe the rate is now below 10% and in Africa it is over 70%.
91% of respondents said that the natural angle of their fully erect penis is between 1 o'clock and 3 o'clock. Of these, 64% are above the horizontal (22% are at one o' clock and 42% at 2 o'clock) and 27% stand horizontal at 3 o'clock.
Of the 9% below the horizontal, 4% point at four o'clock, 2% five o'clock and 4% six o' clock when erect.
As Paul Byerly of TMB pointed out in his comment posted on the original blog, this angle is genetically determined "The angle is determined by how the root of the penis (the almost half of the total that is inside the body) is situated. This cannot be changed, it is what it is."
In response to the question as to whether the natural angle has declined with age, a large majority of respondents indicated that this is not the case. Those that had experienced a drop mostly pointed out that this was due to factors such as injury, surgery, erectile dysfunction or lifestyle illnesses such as obesity or heart disease that impact their ability to achieve a fully firm erection anymore. One respondent indicated that since he had started treatment for his ED with Viagra, his original angle was fully restored.
As to the angle that the erect penis can comfortably bend down to, to comfortably accommodate various positions for intercourse, there is quite a wide and evenly distributed range. 81% can comfortably go below horizontal to four o' clock or lower. Many of the 19% (me included) that indicated that 3 o' clock or less was their maximum angle without discomfit noted that this does to some degree limit the positions that they can comfortably use for intercourse. Positions that were noted as being problematic include reverse cowgirl, scissors, side by side and oral sex.
For those that have greater flexibility, there was a fairly normal distribution, with 26% going down to four o' clock, 25% to five o' clock and 20% to six o'clock. A full 10% can bend down beyond the vertical to beyond six o'clock. Not surprisingly, none of the more flexible respondents indicated any problems with various lovemaking positions.
Some respondents did however indicate that penis size is a limiting factor in their choice of positions, with deep entry positions being uncomfortable and even painful for wives of those on the large side and spooning and rear entry being potentially problematic for smaller men.
Curvature returned some interesting data with less than half of the respondents (47%) having a straight erection. 20% are concave (upward sloping), 19% curve to the left slightly, 12% curve slightly to the right. 4% have a pronounced left hook, but interestingly none have a pronounced right hook (probably just an anomaly brought on by the relatively small sample size). 4% are convex (downward sloping).
Finally, 97% consider themselves to be 'growers' (smaller when flaccid and increase proportionately more in length as they become erect) with only 3% considering themselves to be 'showers' (proportionately larger when flaccid and increase less in length as they become erect). While the other stats above in this survey fairly reasonably mirror what I have found in the research available on the Internet, this stat is somewhat off. Other research indicates that around 80% of men are growers and around 20% are showers. The accepted definition is apparently a ratio of greater or less than 1.7 : 1, ie the ratio of the erect to flaccid penis length, so someone who is 3 inches flaccid and 6 inches erect would have a ratio of 2:1 and be a 'grower', while someone 4 inches flaccid and 6 inches erect would have a ratio of 1.5 : 1 and be classified as a 'shower'. (Sex Ed should explain all this to teenage boys, thus preventing years of angst for millions of boys brought on by comparing their flaccid selves to the 'shower' that they likely share the locker room with!)
The takeaway for me of all the above is that there is really no normal or ideal penis - they vary quite widely across all metrics and on the whole all still manage to get the job done!
127 respondents completed the survey. Of those 71% were men and 29% were wives answering for their husbands. The respondents were primarily in the 25-44 year old age group (74%) with 6% being younger than 25 and the remaining 20% older than 44.
86% of respondents are circumcised. Interestingly, the circumcision rate in the US has been falling steadily over the years, with only 56% of baby boys now circumcised in the US overall (although this varies widely by state, with 2007 data showing 15 states with rates over 75% and 5 states with rates below 25%). In Europe the rate is now below 10% and in Africa it is over 70%.
91% of respondents said that the natural angle of their fully erect penis is between 1 o'clock and 3 o'clock. Of these, 64% are above the horizontal (22% are at one o' clock and 42% at 2 o'clock) and 27% stand horizontal at 3 o'clock.
Of the 9% below the horizontal, 4% point at four o'clock, 2% five o'clock and 4% six o' clock when erect.
As Paul Byerly of TMB pointed out in his comment posted on the original blog, this angle is genetically determined "The angle is determined by how the root of the penis (the almost half of the total that is inside the body) is situated. This cannot be changed, it is what it is."
In response to the question as to whether the natural angle has declined with age, a large majority of respondents indicated that this is not the case. Those that had experienced a drop mostly pointed out that this was due to factors such as injury, surgery, erectile dysfunction or lifestyle illnesses such as obesity or heart disease that impact their ability to achieve a fully firm erection anymore. One respondent indicated that since he had started treatment for his ED with Viagra, his original angle was fully restored.
As to the angle that the erect penis can comfortably bend down to, to comfortably accommodate various positions for intercourse, there is quite a wide and evenly distributed range. 81% can comfortably go below horizontal to four o' clock or lower. Many of the 19% (me included) that indicated that 3 o' clock or less was their maximum angle without discomfit noted that this does to some degree limit the positions that they can comfortably use for intercourse. Positions that were noted as being problematic include reverse cowgirl, scissors, side by side and oral sex.
For those that have greater flexibility, there was a fairly normal distribution, with 26% going down to four o' clock, 25% to five o' clock and 20% to six o'clock. A full 10% can bend down beyond the vertical to beyond six o'clock. Not surprisingly, none of the more flexible respondents indicated any problems with various lovemaking positions.
Some respondents did however indicate that penis size is a limiting factor in their choice of positions, with deep entry positions being uncomfortable and even painful for wives of those on the large side and spooning and rear entry being potentially problematic for smaller men.
Curvature returned some interesting data with less than half of the respondents (47%) having a straight erection. 20% are concave (upward sloping), 19% curve to the left slightly, 12% curve slightly to the right. 4% have a pronounced left hook, but interestingly none have a pronounced right hook (probably just an anomaly brought on by the relatively small sample size). 4% are convex (downward sloping).
Finally, 97% consider themselves to be 'growers' (smaller when flaccid and increase proportionately more in length as they become erect) with only 3% considering themselves to be 'showers' (proportionately larger when flaccid and increase less in length as they become erect). While the other stats above in this survey fairly reasonably mirror what I have found in the research available on the Internet, this stat is somewhat off. Other research indicates that around 80% of men are growers and around 20% are showers. The accepted definition is apparently a ratio of greater or less than 1.7 : 1, ie the ratio of the erect to flaccid penis length, so someone who is 3 inches flaccid and 6 inches erect would have a ratio of 2:1 and be a 'grower', while someone 4 inches flaccid and 6 inches erect would have a ratio of 1.5 : 1 and be classified as a 'shower'. (Sex Ed should explain all this to teenage boys, thus preventing years of angst for millions of boys brought on by comparing their flaccid selves to the 'shower' that they likely share the locker room with!)
The takeaway for me of all the above is that there is really no normal or ideal penis - they vary quite widely across all metrics and on the whole all still manage to get the job done!
Monday, June 3, 2013
The angle of his dangle
This is a blog post that I have been in two minds about posting, but part of the point of my blog is to share based on my personal experience and to deal with the issues that others may shy away from, so here goes. Maybe someone has been grappling with the same issue and will be glad to know that they are not alone, or that their DH is quite normal after all!
Penises stand to attention at different angles, which for the sake of simplicity we can describe using the hands on a clock face, the hour hand representing the erect penis and the minute hand in the hour position the stomach when the man is standing up. The conventional wisdom is that in young men, the erection stands up at a high angle, so roughly at one o' clock, and that as one ages, the angle gradually increases, to three o' clock (90 degrees) or lower.
In my experience though, and based on some Internet based research I have been doing, age is not the only issue at play here, and different guys of all ages display different levels of angle, firmness and flexibility, which has nothing to do with their extent of arousal. This can impact the ability of couples to achieve certain positions, or at least to do so comfortably. I have seen pictures of erect penises pointing down below the horizontal and even some that can be pointed straight down, ie at close to 180 degrees. I recall seeing a picture once of one at something like 270 degrees, ie pointing pretty much backwards! Clearly, this type of flexibility allows a wide variety of positions to be achieved, as the possible angles are so wide.
I have always been a high angle kind of guy, and even at 42 I have not seen much if any change in my 'angle'. I sit at somewhere between one o'clock and two o'clock and even when applying pressure, cannot comfortably go to three o'clock, let alone below. This definitely limits our choice of positions that we can comfortably use. So something quite simple like reverse cowgirl can be uncomfortable for me if C leans forward towards my feet rather than back, and the position where you see the couple lying 'head to toe' is beyond my ability to even conceive, requiring as it does an almost 6 o'clock or 180 degree angle between stomach and erection to achieve penetration. Oral sex requires C to approach me from the side of my head and not from between my legs, and 69 only works for us with C on top, as she would get a very stiff neck if we were side by side or she was underneath (yes, this post was conceived while writing my Position of the Week last night on Facebook on the 69 position).
The point of all this is that not all positions will work for all couples, so don't feel bad if they do not all work for you and your spouse. Experiment and see what does work, but don't feel bad about ditching something that is uncomfortable for you or your partner. And as always, don't rely on porn as your sex guide, and don't expect to be able to do everything that you see on tape.
For Christian couples and especially wives who are not experienced when they marry, realise that everyone is built differently and again do not compare your spouse to a picture or diagram that you may see in a Christian sex guide or on the Internet. In addition to the angle, penises vary widely in length, thickness, the size of the head or glans in relation to the shaft, whether circumcised or not, and in the angle. Don't assume that all penises are 'straight' either - they can bend like a banana, some quite alarmingly, to either side, or up or down (concave or convex). Chances are that DH's equipment works just fine for you - after all, God has brought you together, and I can't imagine Him making the error of a design defect in how your unique parts are designed to fit together!
(Please take a short, ten question survey to gather some data related to the above. I will share the results. Http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JGBRWSL )
UPDATE: link to post summarizing and analyzing the survey findings: http://sensuoushappyhubby.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/angle-of-his-dangle-survey-results.html
Penises stand to attention at different angles, which for the sake of simplicity we can describe using the hands on a clock face, the hour hand representing the erect penis and the minute hand in the hour position the stomach when the man is standing up. The conventional wisdom is that in young men, the erection stands up at a high angle, so roughly at one o' clock, and that as one ages, the angle gradually increases, to three o' clock (90 degrees) or lower.
In my experience though, and based on some Internet based research I have been doing, age is not the only issue at play here, and different guys of all ages display different levels of angle, firmness and flexibility, which has nothing to do with their extent of arousal. This can impact the ability of couples to achieve certain positions, or at least to do so comfortably. I have seen pictures of erect penises pointing down below the horizontal and even some that can be pointed straight down, ie at close to 180 degrees. I recall seeing a picture once of one at something like 270 degrees, ie pointing pretty much backwards! Clearly, this type of flexibility allows a wide variety of positions to be achieved, as the possible angles are so wide.
I have always been a high angle kind of guy, and even at 42 I have not seen much if any change in my 'angle'. I sit at somewhere between one o'clock and two o'clock and even when applying pressure, cannot comfortably go to three o'clock, let alone below. This definitely limits our choice of positions that we can comfortably use. So something quite simple like reverse cowgirl can be uncomfortable for me if C leans forward towards my feet rather than back, and the position where you see the couple lying 'head to toe' is beyond my ability to even conceive, requiring as it does an almost 6 o'clock or 180 degree angle between stomach and erection to achieve penetration. Oral sex requires C to approach me from the side of my head and not from between my legs, and 69 only works for us with C on top, as she would get a very stiff neck if we were side by side or she was underneath (yes, this post was conceived while writing my Position of the Week last night on Facebook on the 69 position).
The point of all this is that not all positions will work for all couples, so don't feel bad if they do not all work for you and your spouse. Experiment and see what does work, but don't feel bad about ditching something that is uncomfortable for you or your partner. And as always, don't rely on porn as your sex guide, and don't expect to be able to do everything that you see on tape.
For Christian couples and especially wives who are not experienced when they marry, realise that everyone is built differently and again do not compare your spouse to a picture or diagram that you may see in a Christian sex guide or on the Internet. In addition to the angle, penises vary widely in length, thickness, the size of the head or glans in relation to the shaft, whether circumcised or not, and in the angle. Don't assume that all penises are 'straight' either - they can bend like a banana, some quite alarmingly, to either side, or up or down (concave or convex). Chances are that DH's equipment works just fine for you - after all, God has brought you together, and I can't imagine Him making the error of a design defect in how your unique parts are designed to fit together!
(Please take a short, ten question survey to gather some data related to the above. I will share the results. Http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JGBRWSL )
UPDATE: link to post summarizing and analyzing the survey findings: http://sensuoushappyhubby.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/angle-of-his-dangle-survey-results.html
Friday, May 24, 2013
Sawubona - I see you
I have developed a habit in recent years of engaging with toll booth operators when paying the toll for my daily commute. Nothing longwinded enough to upset the cars queuing behind me, but just taking the time to look the person in the eye and say a genuine greeting, thank-you and have a good day. I reckon it must be a soul-destroying job on the whole, and over time I have noticed a typical reaction. They don't expect to be greeted and as they realise that you are engaging them, they first look slightly surprised, then their faces light up, and then I get a big smile and an enthusiastic response.
I have often wondered at this and today it came to me that they just want to be noticed and acknowledged as a person inside the booth; they want to seen.
The traditional Zulu greeting is Sawubona, literally 'I see you', and this recognizes the need that we all have to be noticed and to be genuinely seen and engaged for who we are. There is a sense underlying the meaning of Sawubona that until you saw me I didn't exist.
So my question for today is, do you really see your spouse, and your children, and do you make time daily to put aside everything else, and to really connect with them one on one? And on the flip-side, do you allow your spouse 'in' and give them the privilege of engaging with the real you?
We are all so busy these days, and constant busyness and external sensory stimulation is one of Satan's weapons to keep us from spending time with God and with our spouse and families. Even when we are spending time together in the evenings on the couch, I will be clearing work e-mails on my iPad, Caryn will be on Facebook or Pinterest, and we will have something going on the TV in the background. How often do you have a whole conversation with your spouse, child or a work colleague, without ever looking up from your computer screen?
So take the time to put whatever else you are doing aside, to look people in the eye, give them the gift of your full and undivided attention and let them know that you see them.
I have often wondered at this and today it came to me that they just want to be noticed and acknowledged as a person inside the booth; they want to seen.
The traditional Zulu greeting is Sawubona, literally 'I see you', and this recognizes the need that we all have to be noticed and to be genuinely seen and engaged for who we are. There is a sense underlying the meaning of Sawubona that until you saw me I didn't exist.
So my question for today is, do you really see your spouse, and your children, and do you make time daily to put aside everything else, and to really connect with them one on one? And on the flip-side, do you allow your spouse 'in' and give them the privilege of engaging with the real you?
We are all so busy these days, and constant busyness and external sensory stimulation is one of Satan's weapons to keep us from spending time with God and with our spouse and families. Even when we are spending time together in the evenings on the couch, I will be clearing work e-mails on my iPad, Caryn will be on Facebook or Pinterest, and we will have something going on the TV in the background. How often do you have a whole conversation with your spouse, child or a work colleague, without ever looking up from your computer screen?
So take the time to put whatever else you are doing aside, to look people in the eye, give them the gift of your full and undivided attention and let them know that you see them.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Technology in the bedroom
- Do you check your e-mails, Twitter and Facebook as soon as you get into bed at night?
- is this the last thing you do before going to sleep?
- and/or is it the first thing you do in the morning?
- do you roll over and reach for your phone or tablet as soon as you finish making love?
- or, even worse, have you ever done this while making love!If any of the above apply to you, then maybe you need to consider banning technology from your bedroom.
We have never had a TV in our bedroom, in the view that the bedroom should be a calm and restful place for cuddling, connecting, talking, making love, sleep and prayer, but we have fallen prey in recent years to the insidious creep of mobile technology into every aspect of our lives. So we are now banning our iPads and iPhones from the bedroom too.
One of Satan's strategies for keeping us from closeness to God, and from our spouse, is to keep us too busy to find time to really focus on Him, and on our spouse. So make your bedroom a haven where you focus just on each other and on Him. Take time to connect, emotionally and physically, and to focus intimately on each other before making love, and take time to cuddle and bond afterwards, and then fall asleep together in each others' arms.
In the early years of our marriage, C used to like going to bed much earlier than me, while I enjoyed staying up to watch TV. This definitely affected our sex life negatively. Either we ended up not making love as C was asleep by the time I got up to bed, or she would get upset if I jumped up straight after making love to go back downstairs to watch TV. We have since learned to adjust both our schedules, so that we go to bed together, and so that after making love we fall asleep together. On weekends, C likes to sleep in later than me, so I tend to get up and spend time with the kids, but a favorite thing is then to sneak back into bed as she is waking up, for a spot of slow, soft, sleepy morning nookie.
A firm boundary for Christian marriage is not to allow a third party into the marriage bed. Adultery, emotional affairs, threesomes and porn are all obvious examples of allowing a third party into your marriage, but to my mind Facebook, Twitter and other Social Media apps can become problematic too if they bring your friends into your bedroom and start to take precedence for your attention when you should be focusing on alone-time with your spouse.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Hormones
I've been doing a bit of reading up on hormones these past few weeks, and as usual I am in awe of God's grand design for us as a species.
Although we generally associate Testosterone with the male species, and Progesterone and Estrogen with females, both sexes actually have and need all three, but just in different amounts.
A husband's saliva and semen both contain Testosterone, and through kissing and intercourse, his wife receives a boost of Testosterone, with positive benefits for her libido and overall mood. At the same time, Progesterone is present in a woman's saliva and it is not too much of a stretch to assume that through kissing, she also transfers necessary small quantities of this hormone to her husband. Kissing and making love have also been shown to lower levels of the stress hormone, Cortisol, in both spouses, while increasing levels of Oxytocin, which promotes emotional bonding.
This for me is yet further proof of God's design for marriage between a man and a woman, and also of his design and desire for married couples to enjoy a regular and active sex life. Regular kissing and intercourse assists in optimal health through helping to balance hormone levels for both spouses.
But our hectic modern lifestyles, and toxic environment, can also negatively impact our hormone levels, and consequently our libidos, leading to an inter-connected downward spiral of cause and effect.
C's trainer has recently put her onto natural Progesterone supplementation. The premise is that we live in an Estrogen dominant world, through pesticides, plastics and other industrial compounds that leach synthetic Estrogens into our water supply, with the result that the average woman (and man and child) has a far higher Estrogen level than is healthy. This leads to Estrogen Dominance - Estrogen not being adequately balanced by Progesterone levels in the body. The negative effects of Estrogen Dominance include thyroid activity being blocked, leading to obesity, low energy levels and low libido, as well as migraines, more pronounced symptom's of PMS, and a host of other problems.
Progesterone supplementation, with a naturally derived bio-identical hormone, generally in the form of a cream applied to the skin, is beneficial to balance out these high Estrogen levels. The benefits of Progesterone supplementation include better sleep, higher libido, increased breast size and a flatter tummy.
On my side, I required a series of shots a couple of years back to kick-start my body's natural Testosterone production again. Four years ago I started a new division for my firm, just as the financial crisis hit, which was not great timing. It was a stressful time, and my annual executive medical revealed that my Testosterone levels had dropped to well below average for my age, which my GP explained is a potential symptom of burnout.
The noticeable effects that I had been experiencing included fatigue, decreased libido, less firm erections and occasionally difficulty reaching orgasm. I had a series of three shots three months apart of a drug that stimulates the body to start producing Testosterone naturally again and that resolved the problem. I now have my levels regularly tested and they have since stayed within the normal range. I must say that the shots could become quite addictive though - for a two to three week period after each shot they made me feel like I was 16 again, with buckets of energy, vivid erotic dreams and a raging teenage libido! Luckily C has a high drive that could cope!
So ask your doctor to test your hormone levels at least annually and where indicated, initiate treatment to correct any imbalances caused by our hectic modern lifestyle, that might be impacting your intimate physical relationship with your spouse and your overall health.
(As a disclaimer I am not a medical or healthcare practitioner, so my thoughts above should not be taken as medical advice. Speak to your doctor.)
Although we generally associate Testosterone with the male species, and Progesterone and Estrogen with females, both sexes actually have and need all three, but just in different amounts.
A husband's saliva and semen both contain Testosterone, and through kissing and intercourse, his wife receives a boost of Testosterone, with positive benefits for her libido and overall mood. At the same time, Progesterone is present in a woman's saliva and it is not too much of a stretch to assume that through kissing, she also transfers necessary small quantities of this hormone to her husband. Kissing and making love have also been shown to lower levels of the stress hormone, Cortisol, in both spouses, while increasing levels of Oxytocin, which promotes emotional bonding.
This for me is yet further proof of God's design for marriage between a man and a woman, and also of his design and desire for married couples to enjoy a regular and active sex life. Regular kissing and intercourse assists in optimal health through helping to balance hormone levels for both spouses.
But our hectic modern lifestyles, and toxic environment, can also negatively impact our hormone levels, and consequently our libidos, leading to an inter-connected downward spiral of cause and effect.
C's trainer has recently put her onto natural Progesterone supplementation. The premise is that we live in an Estrogen dominant world, through pesticides, plastics and other industrial compounds that leach synthetic Estrogens into our water supply, with the result that the average woman (and man and child) has a far higher Estrogen level than is healthy. This leads to Estrogen Dominance - Estrogen not being adequately balanced by Progesterone levels in the body. The negative effects of Estrogen Dominance include thyroid activity being blocked, leading to obesity, low energy levels and low libido, as well as migraines, more pronounced symptom's of PMS, and a host of other problems.
Progesterone supplementation, with a naturally derived bio-identical hormone, generally in the form of a cream applied to the skin, is beneficial to balance out these high Estrogen levels. The benefits of Progesterone supplementation include better sleep, higher libido, increased breast size and a flatter tummy.
On my side, I required a series of shots a couple of years back to kick-start my body's natural Testosterone production again. Four years ago I started a new division for my firm, just as the financial crisis hit, which was not great timing. It was a stressful time, and my annual executive medical revealed that my Testosterone levels had dropped to well below average for my age, which my GP explained is a potential symptom of burnout.
The noticeable effects that I had been experiencing included fatigue, decreased libido, less firm erections and occasionally difficulty reaching orgasm. I had a series of three shots three months apart of a drug that stimulates the body to start producing Testosterone naturally again and that resolved the problem. I now have my levels regularly tested and they have since stayed within the normal range. I must say that the shots could become quite addictive though - for a two to three week period after each shot they made me feel like I was 16 again, with buckets of energy, vivid erotic dreams and a raging teenage libido! Luckily C has a high drive that could cope!
So ask your doctor to test your hormone levels at least annually and where indicated, initiate treatment to correct any imbalances caused by our hectic modern lifestyle, that might be impacting your intimate physical relationship with your spouse and your overall health.
(As a disclaimer I am not a medical or healthcare practitioner, so my thoughts above should not be taken as medical advice. Speak to your doctor.)
Man Flu and expectation gaps
I had a nasty bug yesterday that left me with a high fever, shivers and an achy body, so I came home from work early and spent the afternoon in bed. C did what she often does when I am sick, and took the children out for the afternoon, leaving me at home alone.
When she is sick, all she wants is to be left alone to sleep it off, so in her mind, taking the children out for the afternoon is a loving act of service, as she is giving me what she would want, a quiet house and no interruptions to rest and recover.
For me though, that just leaves me feeling lonely and abandoned in my time of need (Man Flu is a terrible thing!). When I am sick, I am generally too uncomfortable to sleep, and I want someone to snuggle, and to talk to, and to nurse me and bring me things like soup and tea and cookies!
At the same time, when C is sick, my natural reaction is to do all of the above, no doubt irritating her when she just wants to be left alone to sleep.
The point is that we all have different expectations and reactions, so don't assume that what you would want in a given situation is what your spouse will want.
As always, the key to a succesful marriage lies in open and honest communication. Let your spouse know what you do and don't like, and ask them what they would like and how they want you to behave in response to life's various little curveballs.
When she is sick, all she wants is to be left alone to sleep it off, so in her mind, taking the children out for the afternoon is a loving act of service, as she is giving me what she would want, a quiet house and no interruptions to rest and recover.
For me though, that just leaves me feeling lonely and abandoned in my time of need (Man Flu is a terrible thing!). When I am sick, I am generally too uncomfortable to sleep, and I want someone to snuggle, and to talk to, and to nurse me and bring me things like soup and tea and cookies!
At the same time, when C is sick, my natural reaction is to do all of the above, no doubt irritating her when she just wants to be left alone to sleep.
The point is that we all have different expectations and reactions, so don't assume that what you would want in a given situation is what your spouse will want.
As always, the key to a succesful marriage lies in open and honest communication. Let your spouse know what you do and don't like, and ask them what they would like and how they want you to behave in response to life's various little curveballs.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Male arrogance - it isn't all, or even mostly, about you!
I saw an article from Men's Fitness on Flipboard last night titled "Ten positions guaranteed to give her an orgasm every time" or something along those lines, and just have to blog a response to that. It seems to me typical male arrogance that it is up to a husband to "give" his wife an orgasm and creates some dangerous and potentially harmful stereotypes:
- it is all up to you as the man to "make" your wife orgasm. Well guess what, guys, it is ultimately not all about you. In fact, it is probably mainly not about you. Women's sexuality is a complex beast, involving multiple factors like emotions, hormones, body image, ingrained beliefs about sexuality from her childhood, fatigue, stress and a whole lot of other stuff. So leave your ego at the bedroom door. Be loving, be attentive, make foreplay an all day affair, and learn enough about technique and what your wife enjoys to give her every opportunity to orgasm, and then leave the rest up to her. If she is in the right mood and it happens for her, then great. If not, then try again tomorrow night. It does not make her, or you, a failure if she does not come every time. Few women do.
- it is all about technique. Not. See above! Making love is principally about intimacy, shared vulnerability and emotional connection, about becoming one, and without that the greatest technique in the world is not going to get your wife to orgasm. I do think you need to be averagely competent, so take the time to learn where your wife's clit is, how she likes it stimulated, whether she has a sensitive G spot and thus whether she is an 'internal' or 'external' orgasm type of woman, how much foreplay she needs, and how to make yourself last long enough during intercourse for her to be satisfied (assuming that she is physically able to orgasm from intercourse, which not all women are), but beyond that simple level of average competency, you risk it becoming more about your ego than her pleasure.
- it is all about position. Again, this focuses on the mechanical and not on the emotional. Some positions will work better than others for your wife, but there are no ten positions guaranteed to make her orgasm. And for women, it is often not all about the intensity of the orgasm anyway. C has a particularly sensitive G spot, so rear entry positions that hit the front wall of her vagina are physically very intense for her, but are ultimately not her favorite as they lack for her the physical and emotional intimacy of being face to face with me, and us being able to kiss, and look into each other's eyes and to hold each other.
- there is something 'wrong' with her if she can't orgasm. This is for me the most dangerous and destructive aspect of the mentioned article and headline. The suggestion that if you take their advice and use their suggested positions, and your wife does not orgasm, for any of the myriad of reasons referred to above, that she is broken or deficient in some way. There is SO much pressure on women sexually these days, to look like models and make love like porn stars, and have multiple, squirting orgasms at the drop of a hat, that it is a wonder than any women have any self-confidence left when it comes to the bedroom. Most, if not all, women are inherently insecure, and the thing they need most is affirmation, affirmation and more affirmation, not more positions or techniques to 'make' them come!
- it is all up to you as the man to "make" your wife orgasm. Well guess what, guys, it is ultimately not all about you. In fact, it is probably mainly not about you. Women's sexuality is a complex beast, involving multiple factors like emotions, hormones, body image, ingrained beliefs about sexuality from her childhood, fatigue, stress and a whole lot of other stuff. So leave your ego at the bedroom door. Be loving, be attentive, make foreplay an all day affair, and learn enough about technique and what your wife enjoys to give her every opportunity to orgasm, and then leave the rest up to her. If she is in the right mood and it happens for her, then great. If not, then try again tomorrow night. It does not make her, or you, a failure if she does not come every time. Few women do.
- it is all about technique. Not. See above! Making love is principally about intimacy, shared vulnerability and emotional connection, about becoming one, and without that the greatest technique in the world is not going to get your wife to orgasm. I do think you need to be averagely competent, so take the time to learn where your wife's clit is, how she likes it stimulated, whether she has a sensitive G spot and thus whether she is an 'internal' or 'external' orgasm type of woman, how much foreplay she needs, and how to make yourself last long enough during intercourse for her to be satisfied (assuming that she is physically able to orgasm from intercourse, which not all women are), but beyond that simple level of average competency, you risk it becoming more about your ego than her pleasure.
- it is all about position. Again, this focuses on the mechanical and not on the emotional. Some positions will work better than others for your wife, but there are no ten positions guaranteed to make her orgasm. And for women, it is often not all about the intensity of the orgasm anyway. C has a particularly sensitive G spot, so rear entry positions that hit the front wall of her vagina are physically very intense for her, but are ultimately not her favorite as they lack for her the physical and emotional intimacy of being face to face with me, and us being able to kiss, and look into each other's eyes and to hold each other.
- there is something 'wrong' with her if she can't orgasm. This is for me the most dangerous and destructive aspect of the mentioned article and headline. The suggestion that if you take their advice and use their suggested positions, and your wife does not orgasm, for any of the myriad of reasons referred to above, that she is broken or deficient in some way. There is SO much pressure on women sexually these days, to look like models and make love like porn stars, and have multiple, squirting orgasms at the drop of a hat, that it is a wonder than any women have any self-confidence left when it comes to the bedroom. Most, if not all, women are inherently insecure, and the thing they need most is affirmation, affirmation and more affirmation, not more positions or techniques to 'make' them come!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Reader's question - how to encourage a wife to be more adventurous
One of the questions that we often get from husbands is how do they encourage their wives to be more adventurous in the bedroom, without upsetting them or causing them to become defensive, leading to a fight and a counter-productive result? We often have husbands lamenting how conservative their wives are and how they really wish that they would push the boat out a bit and try something new.
C and I understand this, as we have been there ourselves. C was a very sporty and Tom-boyish teen, who when we met much preferred white cotton sports bras and bikini bottoms to lacy lingerie. We were young and inexperienced when we first became intimate, and while we had a very passionate and fulfilling physical relationship, because sex was 'easy' for us, we never really had to put much effort into foreplay, trying couples toys, lubes, new positions or elaborate planned seductions.
As we have got older, and after 18 years together, I am blessed that C has definitely become more adventurous, allowing us to keep our sex life exciting and new, so in answering the question above, we have tried to think how we got there ourselves. Our tips would include:
C's advice for wives:
- read a book on God's plan for intimacy in marriage, to help you understand God's design for you as a sensuous wife and his desire for you to enjoy sex with your husband without inhibitions or guilt about certain acts that you may have been socialized to growing up. We recommend 'Intimate Issues' and 'Sheet Music', both available through Amazon or on the Sensuous website.
- understand the importance of variety and adventurous sex for your husband's sexual fulfillment.
- understand that this is a process and will take time. You can't become a vamp overnight. Allow yourself to take baby steps.
- give yourself time to get used to new things. If you try something and it doesn't work, or you feel uncomfortable, then don't write it off immediately and withdraw back into your shell. Stick with it for a while, or put it away for a couple of months while you try other things and then give it another go. C was never huge on receiving oral sex, preferring penetration, while I LOVE going down on her. In the last year or two she has been generous in allowing me to pleasure her this way more often, and she is just now starting to properly enjoy it. She is very sensitive, which is great for intercourse, but leaves her very ticklish to direct clitoral stimulation. Through trial and error we have found that if we wait until she is properly aroused, she is less ticklish and much more able to enjoy oral sex, but this took a lot of patience and perseverance on her part to find this out.
C's advice for husbands:
- women need to feel secure, safe, cherished and affirmed in their relationship with their lover. This gives them the confidence and the freedom to take a chance on expressing themselves more in the bedroom.
- so rather than criticizing, focus more on affirming your lover; the more you tell her what a wonderful lover she is, and how beautiful she is to you, the more she will be encouraged to express her sensuality.
My advice for husbands:
- take it slow, really, really slow. Float an idea, and then leave it to germinate in her mind for a couple of weeks before you bring it up again. If you are lucky, she will mull it over and get her head around the idea, and might even surprise you by bringing it up next herself, which is really the first prize.
- don't spring something on her in the middle of making love. Suggesting something new is best raised outside the bedroom, maybe over dinner or when snuggling on the sofa in front of the television.
- communication really is the key. If you don't regularly talk about your sex life in a non-emotive setting, outsider the bedroom, then make an effort to do so. It is much less threatening to a women to discuss sex in a safe and non-threatening environment than in the bedroom when emotions are more vulnerable.
- Be affirming, and be positive, never critical. I cannot stress this enough. You must keep the discussion positive and affirming and encouraging. "Remember that time when we.... We haven't done that in ages. Wouldn't it be fun if we could try that again sometime." Or "I was reading an article the other day that suggested that using a lubricant really increases sensitivity. Would you be open to trying some?" Or "You are looking so beautiful from all your gymming/running/skiing. I would so love to see your gorgeous body in some wispy lingerie."
- take baby steps. If you have been in a routine of missionary position with the lights off, then don't suddenly spring it on your poor wife that you are desperately keen to video yourselves having anal sex! Start with something safe that is a small change that is not too intimidating, and give her time to get used to that idea, and then work from there. The more adventurous she gets, the more confidence she will develop in her sexuality, and the more willing she will become to continue to experiment further.
- if your wife is self-conscious that her figure is not what she wishes it was, and prefers making love in the dark, then start with some candles, then maybe a low wattage colored bulb, or a dimmer switch turned down low, and work up slowly from there. Again, be affirming about how gorgeous her body looks in the candlelight, and how much you love to be able to watch her expression as she orgasms.
- for lingerie, again, start with small changes and work from there. Aim for classy and 'grown-up' rather than red and slutty - your wife wants to feel like Sophia Loren, not a porn starlette. And my tip is to aim for as expensive as you can afford when it comes to lingerie - C has taught me that cheap lace can be scratchy and uncomfortable while the more expensive fabrics can be worn all day. Jolidon does a brilliant 50's retro line that makes C feel gorgeously grown up and womanly, while still being super-sexy for me, while Hanky Panky thongs have a fantastically comfy lace.
- if you want to introduce toys into the bedroom, then again start small and non-threatening. Maybe suggest a scented massage oil or a lube to begin with. This might not sound like much for you, but it may be a leap for your conservative wife, and is a good bridge to other props in the future.
- for actual toys, once you feel the time is right to broach these, don't come home first up with a 9 inch phallic shaped dildo that glows in the dark! Most women prefer toys for clitoral stimulation rather than penetration, at least to start with, and these days there are great vibrators from the likes of Lelo and others that are small, feminine and non-threatening, in soft pastel shades and shaped more like a computer mouse than an intimidating penis, which are an ideal introduction to the world of couples toys. Or a small vibrating cock ring is an ideal joint toy to start experimenting with together. Ideally, visit a safe and welcoming couple friendly store together and allow your lover to pick something out for herself or shop together online on a Christian friendly online site like Sensuous that does not stock porn.
- finally, and very importantly, avoid giving your wife the impression that you want to turn her into a character that you have seen in a porn movie, or that you want her to act like the actresses in porn. Porn is destructive in so many ways to your intimate relationship with your spouse, and if you use porn it may well be having a profoundly negative effect on your wife's willingness to try new things. The last thing that will make her confident and affirmed and adventurous is the idea that you are trying to recreate a fantasy that you have seen on porn or are fantasizing about a porn actress while you are making love to her.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wives - A husband's take on frequency
At dinner with the girls from Sensuous on Friday night, the issue came up of the ideal frequency of lovemaking from a guy's perspective and how a wife can let her husband down gently without hurting his feelings when she is tired or not in the mood. This is a question that C and her partner L often get asked when presenting their intimacy in marriage seminars for women.
So, here is my take on this as a husband (my advice below obviously does not apply to couples dealing with specific circumstances like bereavement, disability or long-term chronic illness).
When C and I are having regular sex, then it will not hurt my feelings when she turns me down on the odd occasion. If I am not particularly frustrated from going too long without, and she has been initiating lovemaking from time to time, so that I am affirmed and secure in the knowledge that she does desire me and does desire making love with me, then I can handle a couple of nights off here and there.
The follow-on question is what then is my definition of regular sex? For me, as a relatively fit and healthy 40 something male, the ideal is still near-daily sex, probably two nights out of three. I can skip a night quite comfortably, and two if necessary, but three nights without and I start to feel physically frustrated. By day four I would definitely be grumpy.
In that case, it would be much harder for C to turn me down again without hurting my feelings, and my best advice to wives in that case would be to rather make the effort to take care of your husband in some other way, orally or manually, if it has been a couple of days and you are again too tired to make love. A quick hand-job takes minimal effort and no more than 2 minutes with a bit of lube, which should be manageable for you even after a long day! Alternatively, spend a couple of minutes snuggling and kissing your husband while he takes care of himself, which can be just as intimate and still gives the desired result, with minimal effort required on your part.
As a husband, my wife saying that she has given so much of her best energy to others throughout the day, that she does not have even two minutes left for me at bedtime, can otherwise be hurtful.
And while an oral or manual quickie can fill a gap occassionally when other factors mean you are not in the mood for intercourse, that doesn't apply for an extended period. The emotional and physical oneness of lovemaking and intercourse with our beloved is what we really desire, and if your hectic schedule means that you are regularly too exhausted to make love, then maybe you need to prayerfully reconsider your priorities and see whether you can make some changes to your schedule to give more balance, and to accommodate your intimate relationship with your husband.
A small change for those with young children, that worked for C and me, may be as simple as scheduling time for lovemaking in the early evening, as soon as the little ones go down, rather than waiting until bedtime when fatigue and sleepiness have already set in.
Or if you are a morning person who is generally finished and ready to sleep by 8pm, then rather set the alarm a bit earlier and start the day with a bang, or surprise your hubby by joining him for his morning shower!
So, here is my take on this as a husband (my advice below obviously does not apply to couples dealing with specific circumstances like bereavement, disability or long-term chronic illness).
When C and I are having regular sex, then it will not hurt my feelings when she turns me down on the odd occasion. If I am not particularly frustrated from going too long without, and she has been initiating lovemaking from time to time, so that I am affirmed and secure in the knowledge that she does desire me and does desire making love with me, then I can handle a couple of nights off here and there.
The follow-on question is what then is my definition of regular sex? For me, as a relatively fit and healthy 40 something male, the ideal is still near-daily sex, probably two nights out of three. I can skip a night quite comfortably, and two if necessary, but three nights without and I start to feel physically frustrated. By day four I would definitely be grumpy.
In that case, it would be much harder for C to turn me down again without hurting my feelings, and my best advice to wives in that case would be to rather make the effort to take care of your husband in some other way, orally or manually, if it has been a couple of days and you are again too tired to make love. A quick hand-job takes minimal effort and no more than 2 minutes with a bit of lube, which should be manageable for you even after a long day! Alternatively, spend a couple of minutes snuggling and kissing your husband while he takes care of himself, which can be just as intimate and still gives the desired result, with minimal effort required on your part.
As a husband, my wife saying that she has given so much of her best energy to others throughout the day, that she does not have even two minutes left for me at bedtime, can otherwise be hurtful.
And while an oral or manual quickie can fill a gap occassionally when other factors mean you are not in the mood for intercourse, that doesn't apply for an extended period. The emotional and physical oneness of lovemaking and intercourse with our beloved is what we really desire, and if your hectic schedule means that you are regularly too exhausted to make love, then maybe you need to prayerfully reconsider your priorities and see whether you can make some changes to your schedule to give more balance, and to accommodate your intimate relationship with your husband.
A small change for those with young children, that worked for C and me, may be as simple as scheduling time for lovemaking in the early evening, as soon as the little ones go down, rather than waiting until bedtime when fatigue and sleepiness have already set in.
Or if you are a morning person who is generally finished and ready to sleep by 8pm, then rather set the alarm a bit earlier and start the day with a bang, or surprise your hubby by joining him for his morning shower!
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